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Faith is essential to your path.  Whether it is faith in yourself, or a partner, or a deity.  It is essential. But where does it cross a line?  When your faith pushes past your sense of personal responsibility, it has all of the sudden tipped the balance, and is no longer a positive driving force.  It becomes your shackles.

Let me give you an example of a real situation of the statement above.

A friend of mine was in a great relationship, and it seemed that everything was great.  And then her partner got laid-off. He quickly became very accustomed to having her pay for everything, and he didn’t seem super motivated to get a new job.  Despite the financial struggles they were starting to have, he was holding out for his dream job.  And after asking about how they are doing, they said, we are having some hardship, but God will provide when it is right.

I frequently hear “God will provide” when people are struggling.  It is intended to sound empowering, but I see that people give up their power to act, and allows “fate” to decide.  You have put your faith so strongly into this, that you have taken away your own ability to assure that it happens. And worse yet, when things come and pass, and you did not get what you wanted, you start to think you were not worthy of it, or worth it.  Which allows you to mentally give up. Making your faith, your shackles. God may be providing 5 great job opportunities for you right now, because he feels you need to get into a different field, but they were not even reviewed because they didn’t fit the mold of the “dream job”.

A great quote from Dave Ramsey was this, “God DOES provide, he provides the rain.  But you still have to sow the seeds!” This statement is exactly how I feel.  Your faith will provide you what you need, but you still have to work to get what you want.  Noting that, as a culture, have a hard time telling the difference between our wants and needs.

I have recently started taking note of conversations and interactions around finance, and I have heard many conversations about faith, people, and money. And when you put these three things together, our minds really complicate them, and that is why I thought to write this post.  No matter the circumstance, don’t let your faith become your shackles.  Take responsibility for your actions and thoughts, and act.  Once again, I can give you an example:

During a podcast I was listening to, a woman called in and stated that she was considering getting engaged to someone, but he made half as much as he did, and he was not very invested in actually managing his money responsibly.

From my experience, this is a very common issue.  One partner doesn’t see the same value in one thing or another, and money is frequently that thing.

Take a moment to think about what you would do in this situation.

No really, take a moment and think.

Many people would be shocked that the concern was even there, after all, Love will find a way.  But can I tell you what I feel the “right” answer is?  And note, there are a multitude of situations around everything, so my advice must be somewhat generalized.

Love, is a strong and complicated emotion.  And it can often make you not trustworthy to yourself.  I would recommend in this situation that you step back, identify the real concern, which is that you are concerned that your potential partner doesn’t know or care how to handle money properly.  And you are considering marriage.  Which means that your partner will not care about how your finances will be managed together.  This is a bad idea.

You need to take responsibility for yourself.  How do you remain a strong individual?  I know that sounds unromantic, but think about it.  How do you remain a strong individual?  If your concern is romance, think of this: if you are a strong individual, and you could do without your partner, you get to choose them every day.  You are not “stuck” together.  Your togetherness is a choice.

Which means that it is actually more romantic to keep your finances separate until you can trust that your partner will be as responsible with your money, as you are. Until then, build a Fuck-You-Fund (A fund of cash that you have access to that allows you to up and leave if you ever feel in danger), and give a fixed number of chances for your partner to come around to your goals.

Now, with that all out there, I need to be honest with you, that I can only say that my wife and I worked within these circumstances because she was lenient with a HIGH-NUMBER of fixed chances.  She was brave enough to do what I am asking of you, and she got a lot of grief for it.  She refused to marry me until my job offered medical insurance.  She was covered under her mother’s insurance at the time, and she was still in college. She was brave enough to put her goals out there and she made them an important part of OUR goals.  And if I had said, you should risk not having health insurance to be with me, I would expect her to step back, as I was not the right person for her. But that is not what happened, for a long time now, our relationship is based on us choosing each other, every day.

If you feel that your partner is not trustworthy with money, I strongly advise the following:

1)    Be honest and clear about your concerns.
It would sabotage your relationship to hold something this important as a barrier and not give your partner a chance to do something about it.
2)    Have a conversation about what each of you require of each other, as part of an agreement, before getting married.
3)    Be brave enough to step away, if your partner cannot hear your concerns.  It is unfortunately telling of many more things about the relationship.

Money is NOT more important that love, or people.  But when you are mixing your life with another person’s, your personal goals and long term well-being ARE more important than love, and other people.

When Love overrides your logical self-preserving fears, you are shackling yourself based on faith of… Your partner? What love should be? The idea of Marriage? You are being shackled by faith.

For this Valentine’s day, I challenge you to look deep into your partner’s eyes and say, “How are we doing on our retirement plan?”  Take some time to think about your own financial goals, where you would like to be, take responsibility for your own flaws, and talk about them with your partner.  Talk about your concerns for any flaws your partner has around money.  And together, move forward with a stronger feeling of togetherness by working to further your goals as a team. Give yourself the gift of choosing your partner every day.

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I have said several times within this blog that relationships are the core of what it is to be a Shaman.  Having the ability to make and maintain relationships with others.  Nice and Simple.

… Or not …

In order to have a solid relationship, I find it is helpful to think enough about the person/entity in that relationship, consider who they are, what has built them into the person that they have become, and listen to them.  Truly Listen.  Once you have listened, and heard, you can then try to honor who they are in being the best person you can be…

How can you be the best person you can be?  Telling you is easy, but accomplishing it, as expected, is the hard part.

Take full responsibility for your actions.  This may mean honoring your own history, and looking at the parts in your history that you may never want to think about again, and think about, in that moment, what responsibility do you hold?

Please note that the word responsibility is NOT interchangeable with the word blame. When you take responsibility, you think about anything and everything you could have done differently, to change the outcome. It gives you the power to no longer be victimized by the situation.  But, by going through your own mind, and thinking about addressing those fears, responses, fears, confusions, and fears…  Yeah, right… simple…

Another piece here, is you may not even believe that you have fear.  You may not believe you carry confusions… And here is what I have to tell you: Addressing you we do not feel that you can express a fear even to yourself ~ is your first task.

Good Luck

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Along the path I have wandered, our main teachings come from four weekend learning experiences that are done in the name of the four cardinal directions, and the spirits that are associated with each.  They went like this:

• South: Hatun Amaru (The Great Serpent)
• West: Otorongo (Jaguar)
• North: Huanacauri (Dragon) & Siwar Qenti (Royal Hummingbird)
• East: Kuntor (Condor)

Each one of these directions is another step down the rabbit whole of understanding the path a bit further.  They build off each other, yet also work together as a cohesive whole.

After I completed the South work, I was speaking to a friend of mine who has a practice as a Psychologist.  I explained some of the efforts, and the challenges that it brought on, he commented: “Wow, that sounds like my entire Bachelor’s degree in Psychology…”

My wife and I frequently have conversations about the psychology and spirituality, and how they seem to walk the same paths…  But when my friend made the statement above, it really hit home for me that our conversation was more than just a joke.

As I have more and more people reach out to me, I am walking into areas where I do not know the beliefs of the person with whom I will join.  I do not know if I will be able to speak to their beliefs in the spiritual.  And it got me to thinking about, will the help that I can offer actually be of help, if they believe in nothing?  If they have absolutely no belief in spirit, energy, ghosts, ritual…

Yes.  Yes it will.

Now, it is important that I note that when you believe in nothing, you tend to get the zero feedback. As with all of us, your belief perpetuates the response you are willing to hear.  So there are some tools I utilize that will go unfelt.  (Or maybe not felt in a way that is attributed to my efforts)  However; when I work with someone, it has nothing to do with their beliefs, nor mine.  The individual beliefs we share or do not share end up carrying no value. There are affects of this work that are completely in the realm of psychology, if not spiritual.

There is remarkable power in a few very simple things.

1. Listening to someone.  Truly listening.  Where your goal is to hear their words, and understand their feelings and meaning.  Without judging or thinking about how to respond. Hearing enough of what they are saying to you to be able to echo back what you have heard, and offer connections they might not see.
2. Ritual. In the morning, I wake up, I grind the coffee, I boil the water, and with those actions in place, and knowing coffee is on the way, I can pack lunches, and get the kids snow gear ready for school.  At night before bed, I read with the kids, we brush teeth together, settle into bed with an audio book.  These little rituals we add to our daily lives offer comfort.  By creating a ritual space, you create a space of comfort and connectivity with one another.
3. Making someone the target of your care.  Having someone with you, and know that they are working for your betterment is a healing experience in itself.

The more I do this work, the more power I see in the ability to change someone’s life, by being the one person who has heard them, the one person who has validated their feelings (even if you do not agree with their judgements), and let them know that they are OK.

Here is something that I recommend for you.  Go to a mirror.  Stare into your own eyes, and say, “I don’t like *** about myself, and I am ok”  Pick anything that you have a hard time thinking about with yourself, or something you are aware you don’t like.  Acknowledge that feeling.  Don’t try to invalidate it.  Your feeling is valid.  But no matter your feeling, add, “and I am ok.”  Say it twice.  Say it three times.  And you will see a difference in how you feel about it.

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As you may have read earlier in this blog, I have (in the past) had a pretty strong bias against Christianity. Overall, I feel as if I have gotten over this bias; however, there are still moments where I will have an interaction with someone, or read about something in the newspaper, and I feel it swell up inside me.  Then I am forced to go through, realized that I don’t actually feel that way, process where that feeling came from, and try to redirect the built-in queue I have to something more positive.  But it still happens.

When I talk about this topic of being powerlessness in

organized religion, I often reference Christianity, but please note that my concerns lie with any faith where your eternal fate is decided for you based on some sort of judgement.

To explain this, I would like you to think of Christianity (some denominations), and the Pearly Gates.  After you die in this context, you will appear before the Pearly Gates, where you are then given a judgement by St. Peter on whether or not you can enter…

In a single moment, all the decisions and actions that you have made from beginning to end of your life will be judged and your eternal soul will pay the consequences.  So, this is basically saying, that you can try your best throughout your entire life, but in the end, you are judged, and your efforts may not be good enough. You are in a faith that allows you no power.  Imagine if you arrive one day, and St. Peter is having the classic Monday morning.

The kind that requires a cup that basically says, “You need to stop talking until I have had my 3rd cup of coffee” and your judgement point is based on: Which side of the bed he got up on, if St. Joseph was late for the carpool, or he came in to find out that someone thought it was funny to eat his last banana from the fridge… All of these things play into the potential judgement you might get.  You have donated to the fight oppression, you have volunteered your time to help the poor, you have given all of yourself so that others may have something, you have grown into an amazing individual, and is nothing but generous.  But when St. Peter sees that incident from when you worked at Walmart where you stole your co-workers banana and ate just to give him grief… You KNOW he is seeing you as the dude that ruined his day, and do think he wants you living next door to him for eternity?

But even if we put the joking aside, Let’s say you have a really amazing talent with the Guitar?  But you only seem to be able to play Satanistic Death Metal.  That is a clearly bad choice.  You are singing and playing music to encourage love for God’s darkest fallen angel, and that music talks lightly of beatings, and death, and tax evasion… Completely reprehensible stuff.  But let’s say that that is the only way that you have the ability to earn the money you need to support the homeless community center in your city?  While this is clearly a situation I am altering to make things super clear, this is a situation that happens frequently, in every day life.  Your only way to achieve your good goal is by accomplishing something that can be considered bad.

So, you have spent your life, playing music to support some dark creatures, and you use all of that money to pay for meals for starving children.

It seems very clear to me that you are going to hell, because you spent so much time promoting Satan.  However, you were using that to do good, so clearly you are going to heaven.  But then again, There were horrible acts committed in your name, so clearly, you are going to hell.  But then you realize that you sacrificed your own eternity to help the poor.  Which means, of course, you go to heaven.  But we also have to consider intention.  Were you writing the music because you loved it, and after you were too rich, you thought of helping others, or were you doing it solely for the purpose of helping others, and you never touched a dime of that blood money.

What this extremely meandering path really tells us, is that every step of the way a judgement is taking place to guide your actions.  A judgement to decide what is good, and what is bad.  (And we can comfortably know that everyone has slightly different guidelines for that)  And based on these never ending sets of judgements, you will then have your eternity decided for you.  It makes it all feel so, powerless.

I think all of this comes forward with a basic premise. Believe what feels right to you. But make sure you feel good about your actions and the consequences.  Whether or not you are judged in the end, cannot be relevant in your day to day.  But worrying about potential consequences based on others opinions you only hinder the sincerity in your efforts.  Do acts of kindness, because you have found a way to care for others.  Take back your power, and act like a random act of kindness feels good in the moment, and helps a stranger.

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Relationships are the core of the existence of a Shaman. The relationships you build to create the community within which you live and work. The relationships you build with spirit to allow work to happen in all places.  The relationships you build the with trees, and plants, and animals to assure you are offering properly for each energy’s needs. These are all pieces of the whole.  And each relationship is important.

But how do you deal with changing relationships.  When I completed the West work, I had a strong feeling that I would have to sever some important relationships to me to proceed forward.  And this is a thought that terrified me.  I value all of the relationships I have so much that I would be crushed to lose them.  But I have trusted, and kept moving forward.  Kept following my path, kept doing the work…

About 2 months ago, I got the strong impression that I needed to finish my current learning phase and complete this round of education with my mentor post-haste.  (Note, that is just this round, I intend on continuing on with my mentor for a while longer) So I prompted my Allyu to see if anyone else was willing to push forward with me to complete our North and our East work this year.  And the answers were muddled, but the overall feeling is that everyone agreed it should happen.  I also got the strong impression that I needed to go back and read, in detail, information about my Khuya.  The information I wrote when I first made them.  Almost like an Inventory of them and their history.  And I then realized the change that had occurred.  The relationships that had been severed.

My Khuya were not the same.  They had grown so much as to not even be themselves. I was momentarily struck with fear due to the loss of these spirits that I have such a tight bond with. And almost instantly, they started reconnecting with me.  Their energy is drastically different.  Their personalities have grown more bold.

My existing Khuya have moved into a new state. And they are so excited to move forward.

This weekend, Myself, and 1 other member from my Allyu will be stepping into our North Work.

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As we go through the process of learning to be Shamans along the lineage of Peru, we do workshop type weekends to concentrate on different aspects of teachings in the honor of the four directions. We start with South, where we learn about self healing. In the West Work, we learn to confront our own death, and how to work with our own shadows.  I believe that I have explained shadow work on this blog before, and I will go into the confrontation of your own death later.  But what I would like to share today is that I am continuing to learn more about myself on this path, than I had ever imagined.  I am, of course, learning about Shamanism, but much of that comes from understanding myself.  Physically, emotionally, and energetically.  The more work I do, the more I realize that Shamanism can be more psychology than energy.  (But works all the better for being both)

I am learning more about the path I am on, as well as what my path is.  I have known for a while that being a teacher is not the path for me.  I am a healer, I am a Torchbearer.  And while all of the work I have been doing, seemed much like the work of a priest, Hecate kept telling me clearly that I am not a Priest. This is something I have given a lot of thought to.  I feel like this is the work of a Priest, but I am no Priest.  What is it that I am doing as a Torchbearer?

This past week, I had the chance to have dinner with a couple of friends, and as I was discussing this question with Sarenth, He was quick to understand my concern and tell me the thing I didn’t see.

And if I may summarize what he had to say,
A Priest works with a deity or deities, but they are working more closely with the divine, and allowing people to learn from them.
A Minister, is someone that works with a deity or deities, but they take the information from the deit(ies) and teach it to the people.

It comes down to which way the persons energy is facing when they are working to communicate between the divine and the people.

As he was explaining this, I felt that it was truth.  Or at least the truth I needed.  My job is to hear the divine and communicate that to the people.  I am to be facing the people.

Almost simultaneously after Samhain, I understood the benefit I gain from offering and giving aid.  It feels right, and it is what I am to do.  And this while I felt that the West Work was over.  I feel like I have leveled up again, and I am happily sitting in the place of peace, before I start on the next set of work.

It seems that the work that is worth doing, is of the most challenging, yet the most fulfilling once you succeed.

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My morning walks used to be based on an excitement to get out and do something.  An opportunity to break my habits and really start getting into the shape I would like to be in.  But when it came down to it, it was work.  It was dark, and hot (at least once I started moving), and it required me to wake up an hour and a half early.

My company began a program for the employees to compete against one-another to see who could walk the most in a month.  I was doing fine, I had already been walking a lot, but I noticed that in the competition, I would gain extra points for my team, by uploading photos.  So, I made it a point to take a photo when I would walk, to upload for the competition.

Now I noticed that when I was on my morning walk, it was no longer just 5 miles to trudge through, it was 5 miles of opportunity for that beautiful and perfect image to show what this unique and individual walk had been.  And it changed my perspective forever.

We often see different lights on the same item and perceive it very differently.  In the wake of the West Work initiation in my shamanic teachings, I was charged with facing my own shadow.  And what this means, is that you look deep into every part of yourself that you have always put effort into looking away from.

I saw anger, cruelty, ego, self-loathing. I saw every bit of who I have not wanted to be, and I saw him not as other, but started to see him as the other aspects of me.

Looking into the worst parts of you can trigger some really bad thought processes.

After a couple of years of being overly burdened by responsibilities, and feeling the weight of them even after extrication, after hardships in the community that I have built much trust upon, after stress within my job, and after challenges within my family, I feel that my shadows, put me over the edge.

Severe Depression.

Being in a place where you acknowledge the sound of a lie, but you can hardly even refute it, because you are aware, and no longer trust your own judgment. I have been in a very dark place lately.  I don’t need to bore you with the hard details, but I will simply say, that I now understand enough about depression to know that I have never given it as much credit as it deserves.  When your own mind breaks trust with you to shut you down, it is a place that I cannot believe how many people survive.

But I have survived.  I found a morsel of truth amongst the darkness and chaos. I was aware that it was hard, but I was so busy trying to do all the things, that I never slowed enough to really see it.  And after I was almost hit by a car, and thought, “Well, that would have been easier.” I realized I needed to speak to someone. But even there was a downward spiral.  Every friend I thought I could confide in, my own mind would cut me off to tell me about how the friendship wasn’t solid enough for this type of burden…  Isolating me, from one friend at a time. But when I thought about my wife, and the comment about adding to her burden came to mind….

The words of my Rabbi came to mind; “You may always come to me with whatever burdens you carry. I am very good at compartmentalizing. And hearing your burden allows us to be closer.”

That was when I recognized the lie.  If I thought I couldn’t speak to my wife, or my Allyu, or my Rabbi with something like this, then I was lying to myself.  I instantly reached out for help from my therapist. And I called my wife to let her know.  And I have been seeking help.  As of now, I am starting to really be in a better place.  But I understand now.

One of the things that I understand is that my faith in my relationship with a few people is so strong, not even my own mind can trick me into disbelieving it.  But one thing I am beginning to understand is that depression has been taking from me for a long time.  When I look back at the last few years, I see the perspective I had at the time, and the perspective the situation probably warranted. And I see the difference between my long, hot, sweaty, and obligatory walk, and the one where I am looking for that perfect moment.  Things aren’t as hard now. I fear I needed to understand the darker perspective, to appreciate the lighter one.