Send to KindleI have to admit, writing that title it feels totally cocky. But hear me out. This is not how to be ideal. Even if I could figure that out, I think a novel series would be the correct format for it. This is about tiny bits of growth here or there. Small changes matter. (See my previous post called “This simplest magics can be the most complicated”)
When I talk about being a role model, I am talking about not worrying about what others think and define the truth of what you believe (Beliefs can change, and that is ok). Once you have defined it, think about what that means, and how you can move closer to it.
Let’s say you decided that you think a good Role Model would be generous. Well, to be generous, you must have stuff (time, energy, things, money). If you already have stuff that people need, Great. Who needs the things you have, and how do you offer it up? If you don’t have the stuff people need, how do you get it?
Time – What can you let go of, so you can pick up this work without damaging your life? Do you have a hobby you can let go of? Do you have a second job you don’t need? Heck, do you have a partner that shares your vision enough so that you can quit all of your jobs to dive in?
Energy – Are you eating well enough? Is your body in a healthy enough place that you can exert your energy to help others? What (and sometimes who) can you let go of, so that you can take up this calling?
You get the point. To be generous, you have to be able to give. To maintain generosity for any length of time, you have to find balance in your life so you don’t end up bleeding yourself dry.
The point here is that, you need to figure out what it is you value, if you are willing, and then how to pursue that goal. The journey might not look anything like you would imagine to get to your end goal.
An example in my life: I wanted to be a good father. What did that mean for me? It meant that I would be Present (note that the Capital there is important). For me, being Present was much more about my ability to stare into my children’s eyes, give them high fives with their achievements, revel in our joint wins against the big boss in our game together, to play games and sports with them. For them to be able to look back, and know that I was Present, even when I couldn’t be with them in person.
I feel like right now (almost 13 years in) I am a very good parent. But it was very rocky. My wife and my kids can attest to that.
I carry anger, and fear, and a victim mentality, and depression… the list could go on. I have made mistakes. And even if my wife or children don’t remember them, I feel them. And while that weighs on me, it is the memory I need to remember my goal, every day.
Every day, I try to take the time to be present for my kids in one thing they enjoy. When they come to me with something to share, I try to take a break from what I am doing so I can truly hear them. I try to let go of my judgements about me, and not apply those judgements to my kids. I try to be honest and verbal about my feelings, good or bad. And I trust them.
I noted above that I feel like a very good parent. Do you know what tipped that judgement in myself?
When my oldest felt safe enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings.
When my youngest felt safe enough to tell me that they didn’t feel like a girl.
When my wife looks at me and says, “You’re a good father.”
And most importantly, when I see a mistake I have made, and I sit down to share with my children that I have made a mistake, and that I apologize to them for it. I feel like I have grown, and I am continuing to build trust. That is how I know, that I am working towards being a good Role Model.
What did I let go of to make time, to have the energy, things, and money for this? I was willing to give up anything for my goal. And while it would have been relatively easy to give away my money and my things, giving my time and energy, forced me to learn who I am and how to grow into whom I wanted to be. I had to be willing to admit my fears, and my mistakes. I had to be willing to re-imagine the world behind me, so I could build the world in front of me.
How do you become a good Role Model? Decide to, and put your energy into it.