Some of the most hurtful things that most of us experience come from relationships ending, being abandoned, kept away, or exploding. I have heard and been asked so many questions either directly about relationships, or are at the heart of those same questions. I often say that my religion is relationships. It is important to say that all of the times I have said this, I have not really been joking.

Relationships, as in a connection you hold either another individual or individuals, are something I find so incredibly fascinating. I spend a lot of time contemplating aspects of relationships and how they can grow or be grown to help people be a healthier version of themselves (by their reporting, not my judgement.). This means that I am still not perfect. I struggle. I still have certain people with whom we seem to have slightly different languages or our various individually held traumas present in ways that we cannot quite solidify the relationship I want – even when I might be able to see the holes in that relationship. The pieces I understand though, seem to hold truth in each relationship, even when the connection goes sour and people cannot reclaim it.

I see 5 rules for each person in a relationship to follow for success.

1. You must care for yourself
2. You must consent to picking up and holding onto a connection
3. You must maintain your own boundaries
4. You must be willing to give to this connection without expectation of return
5. You must be willing to grow

You must care for yourself enough that you can invest energy into a connection that will not bring your energy reserve to or below empty. I remember my youngest coming home from kindergarten and sharing with me that he has to fill his cup before he has anything that he could use to fill someone else’s cup. (Thank you Mrs. Larrea.) It never ceases to amaze me how our children see and say things that simply cut through all the complications and simply nail the important sentiment.

In order to be in relationship with another person, you must commit to fulfilling your needs. This is NOT selfish. This is not a situation where you should: “get rid of some of your needs.” As George Carlin put it. If you have ever built anything, let’s say a house out of building blocks, you cannot build an epic skyscraper if you have no foundation. If your garage is technically standing up but you know how poorly it is constructed, you cannot build a fancy mother-in-law suite over it. And each of us have our own set of needs, and those cannot be questioned or compared to another’s needs. Yes, we all have physical needs like food, water, and sleep. But there are essential mental/emotional needs too. Some people need alone time, some people need the opposite. Some people cannot feel awake or connected without a cup of coffee, a morning routine, or even a walk in the woods.  If you can take a few moments to think about the things you do that allow you to feel better, more connected, and stronger in the day, what happens if you make sure those exist in your everyday life?  You find that you have the resources to be the person you want to be in the world. You find yourself capable of being part of a caring relationship.

You must maintain your own boundaries. Many of us don’t know what boundaries are in this context. Or feel like they need to be given permission to have and hold them.

My favorite description of a boundary is: the distance in which I can love you, and still love myself.  A boundary is a rule that people must agree to follow to be in your life. For instance, you must be 4’ 11” to ride this roller coaster. This is a boundary. You must pay $10 to gain access to the fair. This is a boundary. What is your price of admission? How tall does someone need to be to ride this ride? Please delightfully take that as dirty as you need. The idea is actually quite simple though. 

What are realistically some boundaries you might set? To be in my life… 

1. a person will not intentionally cause me physical, mental, or emotional pain.
2. a person will not actively support someone who will cause me physical, mental or emotional pain.
3. a person will listen when I identify that something they are doing is harming me.

And maybe you have some more specific boundaries (a higher bar) above and beyond the previous for people who are closer to you. A partner or inner circle. To be in my inner circle…

1. a person must hold trust with me.
2. a person must be willing to do the work to come back into integrity if something is broken.
3. a person must consider my welfare in scenarios that affect me (within reason)

All of these seem very basic and simple to me. And while I do not want to over simplify a complex situation or blame a blameless victim, how many people would never tolerate a person on the street to hit them, but don’t speak up or hold the boundary for someone who is supposed to love them?

Take time to think about and define your boundaries. Be honest with yourself and the person with whom you are in relationship if a boundary of yours is being pushed or breached. Defend your boundaries: do not allow ANYONE to push you past where you are comfortable.  This seems like a battle cry when I read it to myself.  It is not. It is actually very basic self care.  I am saying that if you are writing a paper, and are using your last pen, don’t let someone take your pen from you. Also, one thing that comes up every time when discussing boundaries is that people are hesitant to contest with a friend over something that you could just let go.  This is always an option. But know that there are consequences to this route. If you let someone cross your boundaries, you are actually being unfair to them, and building a scenario to destroy your relationship.  If you try to defend it later they are curious why it is “all of the sudden” bothering you. If you never defend it, you build resentment until you snap and explode the relationship. If you cannot be honest about your boundaries with your friends, and have support, you and that person are not honoring the rules of relationship. If they are not harming you on purpose, a simple “Can you please not do this thing, it hurts me.” should never be a conflict.

You must consent to picking up and holding onto a connection. I look at relationships as being a third-party entity between 2 people. For instance, I consider my marriage as being an individual that is a third party to the relationship between my partner and I. I invest in her, I invest in our marriage, and she does the same. This helps me to remember that there are tasks and energy that has to be given to something for our relationship that is not a task I am picking up for her.  I am picking it up because I consent to, and want to continue this relationship.  Everyday we have a choice.  And I want her to choose me again when she wakes up in the morning. This is made easier if she doesn’t have to do all the work to maintain our marriage while also doing stuff for me.

What is consent? By definition, it is “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.” I think that is clear enough.  But so many people do not understand consent.  Or perhaps, they understand consent, but not how frequently you are going along with something and not giving consent, or how frequently you need to verify that someone is offering consent.

Everyday, every hour, every minute: someone can take away consent. If someone lent you their car yesterday, that does not give you permission to take their car today. Consent is always temporary. 

So what does it mean to consent to pick up and hold onto a connection? It means that you are consenting to try.  You are consenting to re-evaluate at a later date to decide if you still consent to this relationship.  (Which, of course,  means reviewing this whole post again each time.) 

You must be willing to give to this connection without expectation of return. When I refer to “giving” please know that I am not only talking about items.  I am talking about gifts, money, time, energy, or care. You are always responsible for making sure you are only giving what you are able and willing to give. But when you give something that you can give, you do so without expectation that they will return something to you, or that they owe you something. How often do you hear someone make a comment about how someone feels like their friend or family member owes them for all they have done.  This is not reciprocity.  This is a transaction. And it is a transaction that is not communicated, nor is it consented to. This is the same as going to a coffee house and saying, you owe me a coffee because I tipped you extra last time. Basically, in this scenario, if you cannot give something freely, do not give it. If you can give it, and are willing to give it, but will be upset if they decide to promptly give it away, do not give it.  Once you give a gift, you are showing your care and offer by bringing it to them.  Once they own it, your opinion no longer matters. Your care was shown. They received the energy from your gift. If you cannot accept this, please deeply consider this in regards to the gifts you give.

You must be willing to grow. You must be willing to “do the work” to heal or grow this relationship or even yourself when your own trauma or triggers negatively impact the relationship. Once again, you are responsible for honoring your boundaries, and someone asking you to change, might always cross them. But when you see a relationship struggling that you want to succeed… Sometimes the answer to your introspection needs to be that your own issues, challenges, or trauma are not allowing you to receive what this person is offering. And you cannot expect someone to receive what you offer them, if you cannot do the same.

This is a big and deep piece. First of all, what is a shadow? In summary, it is a part of yourself that you judge poorly so don’t want to admit to. So often, a relationship struggles due to communication.  Problems in communication can come from you saying one thing, and it being interpreted as something else.  Sometimes this is just miscommunication.  Sometimes, this is because you are triggered by an innocent word your friend used. 

They are talking about an experience they had at their doctor’s visit, and you are triggered due to your negative experiences with doctors and you can only hear that she is gloating over you for her good experience. While this is a fictional example, it is actually an accurate representation of this problem. 

Looking at it from the outside you are like, why on earth is this a big deal? And I am sure you have felt this before.  From both sides.  This complex internal situation is often coming up because you have some real, deep, and probably harmful experience with whatever that trigger word was. Example above might have been “doctor”. Doing the work here might be looking into your memory and trying to find the situation that brings this to mind and has you experienced that emotion.  It might be a single experience, it might be a series of experiences. It is also, most-likely, an echo of something that happened prior to this issue. This can be time you spend thinking about your past.  This could be some real deep emotional processing.  Please do not hesitate to request help here. If you have a good shaman or counselor or therapist. It is important to have support because sometimes, you are not ready for what you find.  When you block out memories from the past, it is because you didn’t have the tools to process them safely.  When you re-open that door, you still need to process that stuff. If you do not yet have the tools, it can be incredibly traumatic.

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And to be a friend worth keeping, you must be willing to participate on the reciprocating end.

You must be willing to offer your friends you wish to keep:
1. the space to care for themselves,
2. the opportunity to give and take back consent,
3. the space for them to hold their boundaries,
4. the ability to receive with grace,
5. Stand up and ask for the work you need of them.