Send to KindleMost of the work I do comes down to me growing, or helping someone else to grow. Both of which help the community to grow. And growth comes from change. And change is often scary.
Considering how growth is hard, and change is scary, why do I keep striving for it? The ideas around “it changes the community” really don’t go that far when I am looking down the barrel of the metaphorical shotgun called change, so why do I keep striving?
This is probably the most important information I could pass on, and it is somewhat like trying to describe the most beautiful place you have ever been, with a person who has never experienced sight. It is so tangible to me, but you might not have the same basis for comparison. So I would like to try to share the difference between where I was last year on a vacation, and where I am now on vacation, And that change really comes from change I have been willing to make, and the growth I have experienced from it.
I would like to point out that my vacation last year was really good. While I will describe the challenges to you, it is important that you know that it was good. But there is so much that goes on in our heads, that affects our every interaction in our everyday, that we don’t share in a way that is helpful.
I can recall clearly, that even though we budgeted to prepare enough cash to purchase what we needed on the trip, every dollar we spent, made me nervous about overspending, and wrought with anxiety. I was afraid of spending too much, despite my pre-planning.
I can recall clearly, that I was nervous about timeliness every morning when we were planning to do something. My family any I tend to run late. This is something I am learning to accept, but I still experience a large amount of anxiety and stress around getting ourselves ready and out the door. And I anticipate and fear the kids battling me to get out, and how hard and stressful it will be, despite there not really being stakes to our timeline.
I can recall clearly, that when the kids hate the food they get, and want something more. And the dread and frustration I experience when they won’t just eat the damn food they ordered.
But here are the pieces that I didn’t see until just recently. Actually, until my son was brave enough to call me out on it.
My anxiety in those areas, drastically affect the experience of my family in those situations. It makes them not only anxious in the moment, but it also makes them fear my reactions in those moments, and makes them experience shame around not achieving the unnamed goal I am clearly upset by. (That is actually painful for me to type) And they then change their behavior to something that hides from my reactions in those moments, but reinforces their shame and feelings of failure…
So I am telling you, that I experience valid emotions around validly frustrating experiences, and it negatively affects the experiences of those around me. In fact, my family, who are the most important to me.
By stopping in the moment, and listening to the experience of my family, and being honest about what I am experiencing… Acknowledging that we planned for the expenses, we don’t have to stress about it every time. Acknowledging that we do NOT have to be anywhere in this moment, and there are no consequences to being late to a venue like, the park. And realizing that when I go out to eat, it can be crushing to spend $12 on a plate of food and find it detestable, allows me to finally acknowledge that my kids feel that way too. They want so badly to try something new and enjoy it, and on top of not enjoying it, they feel shame around ‘wasting my money’.
This vacation, when I experience the stress about money, I spoke up about it to my wife. We talked about our plans, and came up with ideas for me to honor that concern/fear, while also not adding that stress to the family. When we are coming up close to a time where we need to be somewhere, I speak about plan or concern, and the family steps up to assure that we won’t be behind, but also about when I don’t there is no requirement around the time set. When the kids eat something that they don’t like, and just get quiet about it, I look at them and say, “it is ok. We will pick them up something from a fast food restaurant on the way back to the hotel, because they were brave enough to try something new, and it didn’t work out.” I actually saw this in my daughter today, and I saw that my negative reactions in the past only made things worse, and today I could start showing her that I understand.
I was completely unaware how those anxieties and fears were affecting me in my everyday. It took my son, and my daughter to trust me enough, to tell me I needed to do better, that allowed me to earn that trust that they offered. It is a cycle that can go either way. If you act as your worst self, you perpetuate the world around you making you your worst self.
And what I am experiencing now, is that I can perpetuate being my best self, by acting my best self. If it is simply calming my response in a noisy car, if it is slowing down and explaining something again, if it is ordering a second meal, or even if it is taking 5 minutes in a stressful time to massage my wife’s back… The extra work has only proven that we can have an enjoyable vacation together. There was laughter in the back seat, on a long and painful drive. My daughter got to feel her feelings about the food she didn’t like, and still got to eat something. We spent time at the pool together. I feel like we can be really successful in our trip, and after and cumulative 12 hours in the car with my family, I am looking forward to the next 5 days of vacation, not feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
I think the hardest thing about change, is really that to change, you have to accept responsibility for your actions. But the the value in the work, is priceless.