This is another term I use semi often that people don’t fully have context for. For this to make sense, it is really worth understanding The Work and Shadows.

The Shadows we have all come from places in our life where we didn’t feel like we were up to dealing with the situation in front of us. And for them to have been such turmoil, we clearly didn’t have the confidence or skills we needed at that time to deal with the situation properly.

I think an example is really required for me to explain this properly.

When I was 16, I moved out from my mother’s house. When it seemed like my tiny little paychecks were getting more and more important, I found that my bank account got completely cleared out. I found that all conversations about potential raises, or new positions, were adapted to make sure someone else got the thing I was asking for. When I tried to organize my money in a way that would be safe, I was taken advantage of. Time and time again, people were happy to “help” me ~ directly into them making more money off me.

I realized that I kept being taken advantage of, because I didn’t have the information I needed when I walked into a room. (Read this as the problem statement)

The only way I could think to resolve this problem was to go to the library (or later the Internet) and I looked up and read everything I could about the situation I went into. (This is “The Tool” I created for myself to resolve the problem statement.)

When I went to get my first apartment, none of the stuff that the manager said to me that would have taken advantage of me held weight because I had memorized Michigans laws around apartment rentals, and I knew that the maximum Security Deposit was 1 months Rent, and they needed to store it in an account, and I could request the banks and account information on where it was stored. I was able to shoot down every attempt she put in to get more money from me.

This Tool served me so well. There are so many situations I was in where knowing the information I needed before I went to the meeting, allowed me to speak from experience when something came up. I saved a lot of money, I solved many problems before they started.

The “Tools” I refer to, are things we put on ourselves, or do, to solve problems that come up for us. In this instance, the tool I found, was to study everything I could to not get cheated. This worked well for me (for a while). But there are other solutions. Each person will come up with their own. And now, having to take the time to learn everything I need about everything before I join a meeting is so overwhelming as to be crippling. The reverse edge of every tool, is that there becomes a point where you have grown and it no longer serves you.

The tools we have built ourselves are sometimes as hard to find as our shadows. But they are important to know about. And when you do know about them, it is important to see which ones still actually serve you.

This post refers frequently to Shadow, Read the post to learn what that means.

This is another question that I get frequently. Considering I use the phrase “the work” semi frequently and I really shouldn’t assume that people have any idea what that means. It is a phrase that is both very specific while being incredibly vague. I say this because when I am speaking about it, I am often referring to something that takes real effort, and is incredibly challenging, but I cannot or will not specify the specific task.

“The work” is the work a person does when they realize a contradiction in their own behavior, a place where their identity has pushed them away from the truth of who they are, a shadow, or even when they realized that they act in a way that they do not approve of because it is a default they were taught. Once you have recognized any of these potential contradictions, and gotten past any cognitive dissonance that may come up, deciding to make the changes to self to get past or find integrity in regards to the contradiction they found.

In the post about shadows, I used an example about my cruelty. My “work” around this was to recognize that there is a gap between a trait in myself, and the way I want to be portrayed. I had to find a way to embrace my cruelty. I needed to recognize that cruelty is actually a label I apply to a trait that I judged poorly. I needed to untangle that my ability to read people was used immaturely and it became cruelty. This is actually the same trait I now use to help people find truths that they might not want to hear, or help them feel safe in their own spaces. This work was mental gymnastics with a ton of guilt, shame, and many other complex emotions before I found a balance between my cruelty and my desire to help people.

In an attempt to be concise, The work is/are the challenge(s) you must overcome to balance out something that is true about you, that you judge cannot be part of who you present to the world around you.