Category Archives: Shadows

And then I met God, again, Shadows

Safety

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I never really thought that I would see Safety as a complicated topic. I was raised AMAB in a not-so-small-anymore Northern Michigan city and I know I am a product of all of the toxic stuff that came come from that. While I had a lot of privilege in my situation, being hispanic made some things a bit more difficult. As an AMAB person, I was supposed to put forward strength at all angles. With those goggles “Safety” can actually correlate with weak. If you are acting to show emotional safety, you are not showing your strength.

The way that I was affected by being hispanic with regards to safety is that I chose to make myself less intimidating. The way I carry myself, the way I speak, the words I use. I worked very hard for a long time so that when I interacted with people, they didn’t see a threat. While this is a tool I created for myself that no longer serves me, this truly benefited my life at this time. While it didn’t stop people from following me in most stores I went to, it limited the times people asked security to be on guard, and it limited the times I was asked to leave businesses. I found a way to change that allowed me to find a bit more safety in my every day. As a side effect, that does serve me now, I learned the value of and how to start offering up: Safety.

On my Services page, the first service I offer is: “Confidential Communication (It is amazing how healing it can be to just be heard)”. And do you know why it is SO important for people to be heard? When a person is heard, they feel safer.

The human psyche is an incredibly powerful thing. When you are in the midst of a fight, you cannot spare the resources to heal. And with so much of our community being aggressive as forms of sharing their opinions and beliefs, the everyday world has become a place of fear and anxiety. Which doesn’t allow much time for healing. We rarely feel safe enough to allow ourselves to heal. For some of us, even in our own homes, we do not have space to feel safe. And when we finally find it, our psyche allows us to open up and start the healing process.

Imagine being the reason that someone else can feel safe… How good would that feel? I do not correlate safety with weak. I find that any means you can show vulnerability actually shows an incredible amount of strength. And with that strength, you can create a safe place for people, you can build connections with people, and you can become a little more whole. With all of that said, what beauty can come from you finding a way to create a safe space for people? When you can make people feel safe, and you continue to be the person you are trying to be, people will feel better in your presence. People will feel the safety you offer, and they will be open to connection. And connection is one of the most important things for me to gain. I want people to feel safe, I want to be a person that allows people to feel safe, and find connections.

What is one thing you can do in your everyday to offer even a single person Safety?

Reader Questions, Shadows

Reader Question #5: What do you mean when you say, “Shadow”?

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I often refer to the term Shadow when describing my work. And I have recently had several people ask me to describe what I mean. And shortly after those asks for clarification, I heard that another spiritualist I know uses the term, and uses it very differently. So I thought it was worth bringing this question forward and clarifying.

Every individual person is a combination of every experience they have ever had. When you walk down the street, you see many people walking around, interacting, and living their lives. And unless we know a person, or have clear reason to remember, they all fall into the backdrop of our day. But every one of them is a lifetime of experiences that presents as the person in front of you.

Now imagine how you would look at yourself under that light. How could you quantify the hopes, dreams, fear, anger, pride, and many decisions you wish you could undo? The downfall of being something built of so many different pieces, is that we have contradictions…

The example I use in myself is that I have a skill/trait/ability to read a person and find the one thing I could say to really hurt someone. I label this as my cruelty. While I know this is something about me, I also know that it doesn’t feel ethical to hurt people. And my taught desire to not hurt people causes me to carry my cruelty with shame. I want to hide it. When something comes up like a cruel comment, I want to hide it away so I don’t tarnish the mask I wear that identifies me as “Kind”.

As I am writing this, I think I might be able to offer a more concise definition of Shadow by saying: an aspect of yourself that you want to hide because of direct contradiction with a learned beliefs.

We all can have many Shadows, and each one further shapes who we are, and challenges who we think we should be.

Empowering Self, Shadows, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

In Defense of Christians

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So many challenges lay before us. 2020 has been a year of chaos, pandemic, horrible leadership, reiterations of segregation and hate. I would jest with something like: “what’s next, locusts?” but then I realized that we have already encountered that problem.

Our world is in need, and we are all feeling the pain. Here is my recommendation: Be the change you want to see in the world. This is what all of us need. This is also what you might call, “The golden rule.” Treat others as you wish to be treated.

I know this is not easy, but we must look past ourselves to see that most people really do have good intentions in them.

Why am I posting about defending Christians? After 9/11, I was very vocal defending Muslims, and folks from the Middle East. And the reason was, there were actions of a few causing horrible consequences for the many.

Today, when I think Christians, my mind instantly goes to the figure heads, and politicians, and preachers with 12 million dollar homes. I see people who are standing up and utilizing the Christian label to get what they want, but not living with any of the faith. Right now, I find that the term Christianity is a term about finding more precise ways of delivering hate. And when I realized this was my outlook, I saw that I am part of the problem. We need unity. We need togetherness and team work. And we need to see eye-to-eye.

Almost no one in history has been willing to “come to the table” after you were just throwing stones at them. So what do we do? What do I do? I realize that these people who are turning Christianity into a rallying point for hate, are not actually following the faith of Christ. There are so many amazing and wonderful people in our communities that proudly wear the mantel of Christianity, and they do so by offering kindness and trying to see beyond themselves. These are the unspoken folks that Christ was actually much more in line with. Instead of taking the time to reiterate that the current far-right parties are aligning themselves as the only Christian party, or the only party of the church, we need to remember that we are deeply connected with so many actual Christians, who do not believe the hate, and won’t participate in it.

We must offer some grace. We must look past the anger and hate that these figure heads bring up in ourselves, as meeting hate with hate creates a battle. And with all battles, it rarely matters who is right or wrong, many people on both sides are hurt.

I invite you to look past your anger. I invite you to look past your hate. Find the folks in your neighborhood that allow you to take back the idea of love that this faith has to offer.

We, too, can choose not to hate. We must be better.

Shadows, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Summer of Shadows

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I have found that my own shadows are not only what hinder me in my life, but the things that drive me to be better.  By honoring the challenges I have before me, I can do many things.

  1. (hopefully) work towards getting over behaviors that don’t help me.
  2. Learn more about me, and understand how my history has built me to who I am today ~ no matter how I judge each quality.
  3. They allow me to remember that we are all facing challenges that we may not yet be aware of.
  4. The shadows that I struggle with every day, remind me to hold compassion for those around me.

These are all remarkably powerful things.  

What do I mean when I say shadow? I see a shadow as any connection to an idea, item, person, or object that causes you to act in a way or make decisions that do not allow you to be your best self, or work in your best interest.

For instance: One of the shadows I am working with right now is Money. I grew up below the poverty line in Traverse City, MI.  We are a town with a pretty solid divide between the haves’ and have nots. My entire adult life I had been trying to buy what I want, when I wanted it because when I was poor, I couldn’t buy things… So, I found that I was buying things, that I couldn’t afford, so I wouldn’t feel poor, but those same actions were causing for it to be difficult to pay my bills, as if I were poor.

A side shot of this I need to address in my work, is the clear judgement I have in my own mind about being poor.  Let me be clear, I do not feel that there is anything wrong with being poor, nor do I feel that it says anything about you as a person ~ as most people do not choose poverty.  The negative connotations I hold with being poor are because the time in my life where I was fighting so hard to just to get by, was of the worst times in my life.  I associate poor with unhappy, and unable.

So to sum that up: Because I associate being poor with being unhappy and unable, I do not wish to feel poor. Because of this, I made choices to purchase things I could not afford.  Having purchased things I could not afford, made it harder to pay my bills, which made me actually poor.

As you can see, this ‘shadow’ around money, has been causing me to make decisions that were not working in my best interest.

Many of us have issues around money, so this may be a great example, or a horrible example.  You may have a huge issue with money, and look above and be like, I have no problem with “keeping up with the Jones’”.  The thing is, this is an aspect of my Money Shadow that is easy to talk about and many people will understand.  The more you look at one of your shadows, and finding its source, and trying to grow past it, the more you will see that the shadow runs deep and has many facets.

I tell you all of this because I have been working with so many people as of late who are so burdened by the shadows they carry, that moving forward on a day to day basis is feeling impossible.  Whether you are exhausted, peopled out, too damn broke, overdone, pent up, oppressed, or whatever.  These are ALL real and true issues, do not think I am minimizing your struggles.  But we are our own worst enemies, and frequently, the way we think, feel, or experience these issues, make them a larger problem than they are.  Your feeling, thoughts, and experiences are COMPLETELY VALID.  It can still be smaller than it seems.

You are the person who can deal with your shadows.  If you would like, I can help you to see them.  Know that I can hear you. I can hear your work, and your pain.  And because I have been working so hard on my own shadows, I will not judge you or yours.

We all need help sometimes, don’t hesitate to reach out.

Shadows

Introspection

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Magic is one of the most amazing things in the worlds.  As a shaman, I find that I am constantly working within the arena of magic, but as is ‘par for the course’ most people neither see, nor understand what magic is.

When I try to explain, people are dumbfounded at how tangible magic can be for everyone.  I would like you to acknowledge now that the words “Hocus Pocus”* and “Abra Cadabra”** (themselves) have nothing to do with magic.  Magic can be most strongly manipulated by changing yourself, and affecting the world around you.

For example: Today, I made a comment about an interaction with someone.  I later realized that I would be mortified if the person involved had heard it.  It would only make them feel bad about a situation they could not control, and perpetuated a larger and darker feeling that they must be holding because of that same situation.  I realized that this statement was not about them, it was about me. (This is something I often do: When I have a hard feeling about someone or some action, it is a response to something in myself I find lacking.)  The comment was about someone monopolizing a conversation. So, I asked myself, what about myself is true, that makes me put that on them.  And I realized that I have concern and issues about longing for a connection with another person that is often hard to make tangible.  Acknowledging that the action that caused me to make my comment, really was an emotion within myself that derived from my own self consciousness about connection to others.

Think about that… By acknowledging something that I felt bad about, thinking about what it means to me, around something I can control. I was able to tell myself about a shadow that I carry, that affects making connections with people.  It is a concern, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But being brave enough, to be introspective, and acknowledging that I can do work on myself, I have changed my own perspective of the world around me, and allowed myself to improve the connections around me.  I am doing something intangible to others, that drastically changes the world around me.  Introspection is a form of Magic.

Hocus Pocus*: Before the protestant reformation, there was a lot of mystery around the priests work of the Catholic faith. There were inner buildings within churches, and basically, your rank within the church would dictate how far into these buildings you could go. (AKA the highest level priest would be the only one to go into the inner most building. ~ I learned this in a world religion class at EMU.~ Some of the more peasants would try to listen into these buildings so they could recreate the magic of the priests. And from a distance and through a wall, they interpreted, Habeas corpus  (Latin for “you [shall] have the body”) to be Hocus Pocus.

Abracadabra**: This was actually a phrase that is first documented as part of a amulet prescribed by a doctor (or what was equivalent to a doctor of the time) to get rid of any diseases.  The triangular amulet looked like this:

Abracadabra

Ancestors, And then I met God, again, Shadows, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Shadows

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There are so many aspects of myself that I have spent years finding new ways to look around and avoid.  What I have learned so far on this path, can really be summed up to a single act.

Find, acknowledge, and accept your own shadows.

What is a shadow?  The definitions are slightly varied here or there, but the core of it is this: A shadow is any aspect of yourself that you avoid, or causes you to act in a way that are not in your best insterest.

Need examples?  Some of my shadows I have found are these…

  1. My cruelty
  2. My Ego
  3. My hatred
  4. My anger
  5. My Recklessness
  6. Money

These are aspects of myself that I had avoided for years.  And after spending some really difficult time sitting with those feelings, learning to accept them as part of me, and moving forward, I feel something important has shifted.  My understanding.

I have always run away from the aspect of myself that was cruelty.

But I realized that Cruelty is only one end of that spectrum.  The other end is Generosity. And many problems in my life have fallen into line, by simply accepting the balance that swings between Generosity and Cruelty.  Remember, only acknowledging one of the two, leaves you without balance, and out of control.  Accepting the aspect that my value judgements dislike, I have found that the skill I have that makes me so efficient with my cruelty (my tongue, and ability to say exactly the right words to hurt someone) is actually a skill that is equally as strong with Generosity.  I learned that I also have the ability to say exactly the right words that someone needs to hear, to allow themselves to heal.

I have so many shadows. The 5 above are simply the ones that are the loudest, and somewhat more simple to deal with for it.  But there are so many other shadows that overshadow aspects of our lives.  And some are far more profound than others.

This past weekend, I did some extremely hard work, and encountered a shadow that I didn’t realize I was holding onto.  When I was 16, I moved out of my parents house.  And there was a physical altercation that was the trigger point for me leaving. The physical altercation did not actually cause this shadow.  It was the fact that while I was ‘facing-off’ with my step-father, my mom was standing over his shoulder, not doing anything.  I completely accept that she was probably terrified.  But that moment, told me that she didn’t care enough about me or my safety, to overcome her fear.  I realized that it put her in almost a paradox, where every direction she felt like she failed.  I left home, because of that.

It didn’t end there though. This past weekend, I re-encountered this experience, again.  This is not the first time I have looked at this shadow, and found a new dark spot.  I felt that deep sadness. It sat right over my heart Chakra, and was a black-hole density of sadness.  I let myself go into that feeling to work through the problem and I cannot tell you the challenge it held for me.  But I came through it.  And I saw things much more clearly.  I saw that I have the ability to cut my caring almost as clean as with a blade.  Just like I felt from my mother that day.  I found that I fear that my kids will one day see that I didn’t care, so I model myself after this “ideal” I have where my efforts can be so forced as to feel in-genuine.  That made me feel sick.  This insidious shadow snuck into the core of who I am, and could have possibly ruined my goal of having my kids remember our time together as happy, and knowing that we could be authentic and true with each other.  Realizing what that one shadow, that I didn’t even realize I still carried, had such a profound affect on who I currently am.  And how holding on to that memory was such a strong item causing self-sabotage made me realize that I need to look so much deeper to clear the stigma of my shadow self, accept me for me, without the burden of those stigmas, and to grow.

I feel so much lighter, and I feel so ready for the challenge.