All posts by Digital Paqo

Hecate

Calling

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This path is not easy.  I have gone through an unbelievable amount of work, growth, and change since that day I came out of my “Shaman Sickness.”  There have been physical issues, mental issues, energetic issues, and I think worst of all, interpersonal issues.  I have had to dissect many aspects of myself and be very honest about who I am, which is not always easy.

But I knew my path.  And it doesn’t actually matter what it takes to get there, I know that “there” is where I will be, so I press on.  Recently, I have found that the efforts I spend to work with, and assist people, have been the most empowering efforts I could be doing.  I feel as if I am more whole for offering cleansings and guidance.

I am told that I am starting to fulfill my role.  I am a Torchbearer.  For those who have questions, and have lost their way, I can guide them through the chaos and hardships to the door that leads them to their path.  And each time this effort becomes a reality, I feel like all is right with the world. I feel like I am doing right, and my calling is fulfilling me.

Sometimes it is important to see that the right path is rarely the easy path, but taking on that challenge has some remarkably clear, and tangible benefits.

I am helping people, and I feel good.

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Long season after the West Work…

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As we go through the process of learning to be Shamans along the lineage of Peru, we do workshop type weekends to concentrate on different aspects of teachings in the honor of the four directions. We start with South, where we learn about self healing. In the West Work, we learn to confront our own death, and how to work with our own shadows.  I believe that I have explained shadow work on this blog before, and I will go into the confrontation of your own death later.  But what I would like to share today is that I am continuing to learn more about myself on this path, than I had ever imagined.  I am, of course, learning about Shamanism, but much of that comes from understanding myself.  Physically, emotionally, and energetically.  The more work I do, the more I realize that Shamanism can be more psychology than energy.  (But works all the better for being both)

I am learning more about the path I am on, as well as what my path is.  I have known for a while that being a teacher is not the path for me.  I am a healer, I am a Torchbearer.  And while all of the work I have been doing, seemed much like the work of a priest, Hecate kept telling me clearly that I am not a Priest. This is something I have given a lot of thought to.  I feel like this is the work of a Priest, but I am no Priest.  What is it that I am doing as a Torchbearer?

This past week, I had the chance to have dinner with a couple of friends, and as I was discussing this question with Sarenth, He was quick to understand my concern and tell me the thing I didn’t see.

And if I may summarize what he had to say,
A Priest works with a deity or deities, but they are working more closely with the divine, and allowing people to learn from them.
A Minister, is someone that works with a deity or deities, but they take the information from the deit(ies) and teach it to the people.

It comes down to which way the persons energy is facing when they are working to communicate between the divine and the people.

As he was explaining this, I felt that it was truth.  Or at least the truth I needed.  My job is to hear the divine and communicate that to the people.  I am to be facing the people.

Almost simultaneously after Samhain, I understood the benefit I gain from offering and giving aid.  It feels right, and it is what I am to do.  And this while I felt that the West Work was over.  I feel like I have leveled up again, and I am happily sitting in the place of peace, before I start on the next set of work.

It seems that the work that is worth doing, is of the most challenging, yet the most fulfilling once you succeed.

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Perspective

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My morning walks used to be based on an excitement to get out and do something.  An opportunity to break my habits and really start getting into the shape I would like to be in.  But when it came down to it, it was work.  It was dark, and hot (at least once I started moving), and it required me to wake up an hour and a half early.

My company began a program for the employees to compete against one-another to see who could walk the most in a month.  I was doing fine, I had already been walking a lot, but I noticed that in the competition, I would gain extra points for my team, by uploading photos.  So, I made it a point to take a photo when I would walk, to upload for the competition.

Now I noticed that when I was on my morning walk, it was no longer just 5 miles to trudge through, it was 5 miles of opportunity for that beautiful and perfect image to show what this unique and individual walk had been.  And it changed my perspective forever.

We often see different lights on the same item and perceive it very differently.  In the wake of the West Work initiation in my shamanic teachings, I was charged with facing my own shadow.  And what this means, is that you look deep into every part of yourself that you have always put effort into looking away from.

I saw anger, cruelty, ego, self-loathing. I saw every bit of who I have not wanted to be, and I saw him not as other, but started to see him as the other aspects of me.

Looking into the worst parts of you can trigger some really bad thought processes.

After a couple of years of being overly burdened by responsibilities, and feeling the weight of them even after extrication, after hardships in the community that I have built much trust upon, after stress within my job, and after challenges within my family, I feel that my shadows, put me over the edge.

Severe Depression.

Being in a place where you acknowledge the sound of a lie, but you can hardly even refute it, because you are aware, and no longer trust your own judgment. I have been in a very dark place lately.  I don’t need to bore you with the hard details, but I will simply say, that I now understand enough about depression to know that I have never given it as much credit as it deserves.  When your own mind breaks trust with you to shut you down, it is a place that I cannot believe how many people survive.

But I have survived.  I found a morsel of truth amongst the darkness and chaos. I was aware that it was hard, but I was so busy trying to do all the things, that I never slowed enough to really see it.  And after I was almost hit by a car, and thought, “Well, that would have been easier.” I realized I needed to speak to someone. But even there was a downward spiral.  Every friend I thought I could confide in, my own mind would cut me off to tell me about how the friendship wasn’t solid enough for this type of burden…  Isolating me, from one friend at a time. But when I thought about my wife, and the comment about adding to her burden came to mind….

The words of my Rabbi came to mind; “You may always come to me with whatever burdens you carry. I am very good at compartmentalizing. And hearing your burden allows us to be closer.”

That was when I recognized the lie.  If I thought I couldn’t speak to my wife, or my Allyu, or my Rabbi with something like this, then I was lying to myself.  I instantly reached out for help from my therapist. And I called my wife to let her know.  And I have been seeking help.  As of now, I am starting to really be in a better place.  But I understand now.

One of the things that I understand is that my faith in my relationship with a few people is so strong, not even my own mind can trick me into disbelieving it.  But one thing I am beginning to understand is that depression has been taking from me for a long time.  When I look back at the last few years, I see the perspective I had at the time, and the perspective the situation probably warranted. And I see the difference between my long, hot, sweaty, and obligatory walk, and the one where I am looking for that perfect moment.  Things aren’t as hard now. I fear I needed to understand the darker perspective, to appreciate the lighter one.

Lost in Translation, Reader Questions

How do you feel so comfortable calling yourself a ‘Shaman’?

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This is a question that was asked of me by someone from within my Ayllu. This has posed an interesting question for me. Why do I feel so comfortable using the term shaman, when describing myself?

Actually, the fact is, I am not comfortable using the term shaman for myself. When I label myself as a shaman, I am doing so as much to convince myself as anyone else. But the question, “Am I a shaman?” This is something I ask myself frequently. And it keeps coming to the same. Yes, I am a shaman.  Most of the time, I feel no need, at all, to explain myself to anyone.  But in this instance, I will do so, but I think that we need to talk a bit about the dynamics of an Allyu.  It is kind of like a wolf pack.  Within this pack, you honor each other, and recognize that there is no malicious intent. This question was honestly asked, and she wanted to know. After all, I have not even completed the shamanic training for the four directions…

The long and the short of it: before I met my mentor, over 2 years ago, I had been told that I am a shaman.

The ways that I know to gauge a shaman are as follows:

Someone labels you a shaman
You actively assist your community
You actively assist individuals within your community
You interact with the local deities
You have training by spirit or by a mentor

Well, here is the crux of it.  All of the above are true.  As mentioned before, even before I found my mentor, I was named a Shaman. For almost 2 years, I have been doing work to assist my local congregation grow forward under very difficult circumstances, and almost all of this work was done while maintaining good relationships with individuals within the congregation.  Individual healings, individual work, group work, group healings, and much work on behalf of the building and land around the building to ensure prosperity. I have done a fair amount work and learning from the local spirits/deities, and I have been working with my mentor and spirit, very seriously to learn all that I can about this path, my skill set, and the tools I have available to me.

But after all of that explanation, I don’t actually care if anyone agrees with me, or feels that it is a title I should have. I actually do not want the job of a Shaman.  But I have been chosen for this path, so I will make the best of it. There is a lot of work to do within this community, as well as the greater community that I can access from my computer. And while I see this work, and feel like I can do something about it, I will.  I would also note that the questions I have been asked, and asked of myself in regards to labels, and egos, all come to the same thing.  The term Shaman is not a badge that you earn, and wear for the rest of your life.  Shamanism is a job, and you are only a shaman, while you continue to do that job. No matter whether or not I am labeled a shaman properly in everyone’s eyes or no, I will continue working with spirit, and with my mentor, and I will continue to grow as far as I can within this lifetime.

This brings up a bigger question though. Why do I feel so confident in self-labeling, when there are two females within my Ayllu, with the same level of training, and different (yet equally as strong) gifts, do not? The member of my Allyu who asked, I could see in her eyes that she didn’t understand how I could call myself a shaman, with the circumstances from her own eyes.  Identifying the privilege I hold for being male. When you are a woman, that is to be heard, you rightfully feel as if your words would be questioned without all the documentation proving you are 100% valid.  (And often despite the documentation)  I, as a male, can walk with my head high, and go with the phrase of “fake it ‘til you make it.”  My confidence is all the documentation I need to illustrate my skills.  I bring this up because I feel that this talks to an extreme problem in our society.  We are still segregating in both bold and subtle ways.  It hurts my soul to watch such a gifted and intelligent woman, afraid to help the world with her gifts, due to a deep seeded acknowledgement that she will be challenged and possibly abused for offering to help.  That a strong woman is so threatening, that she cannot help the people around her without fear of reprisal.

Earlier, I mentioned that I don’t often explain myself, and I realized something.  Taking the time, to listen to the question that was truly asked, I realized that refusing to explain myself, would talk only to the disparity in the privilege I have here.  By opening my mouth and my mind, I can talk through the reasons that she too should be feeling confident in herself. And why she too, should be calling herself a shaman.

Am I a shaman?  It doesn’t actually matter, but I am going to keep doing the work.

Spirit Interaction

6 Rabbits

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How do you know if something is a sign or when it is a coincidence? This is something that constantly challenges me.  I honestly feel that nothing is a coincidence, but then, how do you prevent yourself from reading into everything as dire?

I have 2 answers for this, depending on the situation.

  1. Spiritual Accounting: (This is something my mentor, Jim Stovall, is often talking about.) In the situation of an entity reaching out to you, you need to let them acquire some trust, before letting their advice jeopardize your life, livelihood, or family. This is easy enough. Take notes. If Spirit-Bob gives you advice about your 401k, and it pans out well, maybe he knows something about investment. Maybe finance is his forte, and you feel like you can trust him with that kind of advice.  But a truth here, does not means truth everywhere.  All entities are alike in that way.  I am great with math, but I am terrible at describing the contents of a news article I was just prompted to read.  Spirit-Bob may be a wiz in finance, but maybe a heart-sick fool when it comes to love.  Spirit-Bob should not automatically get the ‘cred’ on all things, because he proved good with finance… You might have to work with Spirit-Joanne on matters of the heart.  (Who is not at all trustworthy with matters at work).  It all comes down to keeping track of the advice each entity gives you and how it pans out, so you may build a history from which to offer trust.
  2. Consistency: (Here I would like to give some credit to my friend Laura with Wild Goose Guidance.) Let’s say you see a bunny cross your path… Don’t instantly go all, “What dreadful thing am I drawing towards me, by trying to avoid it?” (FYI: Laura was a bit more eloquent with that description.)  I feel that a single “sighting”, in passing, is not enough to start looking deep into this matter. However, while I was walking this morning, I had 6 rabbits run across my path.  Considering I might see 1 rabbit a week normally, this stood out as something to think about.  Not to mention, that if my eyes had been closed, I am sure I still would have encountered 5 of these 6 rabbits.

I would say that 6 times, is enough to get you thinking…

So… What dreadful thing am I drawing towards me, by trying to avoid it?

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Relationships

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Relationships are an aspect I have found to be within remarkable flux for me. In this path, I have learned that every aspect of my life worth having, is worth some solid review. Look long, deep, and hard at each relationship to determine if it really serves you. And this has caused me a fair amount of stress, anxiety, and sadness.

It has been a challenge for me, as I now know many more of my own truths with which to bring to my relationships. Several of the relationships I have created since I started on this path have proven their strength. But to be fair, there was no real change there. We started our interaction once I accepted that I was a Shaman, a Pagan, a Healer, and an Energy Worker. But I have friends that I have had for a long time, and although many of them are wonderful, loving, accepting people, the relationships have suffered.

Time and time again, I literally feel like the friends I have held for years have forgotten about me. This past year has been the hardest of my life, and I saw only that friends were drying up, and not responding. (This sounds like a depression rant, and that is not at all the goal here.)

I have been asked multiple times in the past few months about why I was being so quite. And it didn’t actually click for me until this past Sunday, at Michigan Paganfest, with my Allyu, as to why I had been so quite. In the past 6 months, there have been very few of my friends that actually keep in communication, and of those 3 or 5 people, I feel that discussing what is hard, would simply burden them unnecessarily. Sitting with my Allyu, and my mentor, I realized that there is no aspect of this struggle that I need to hide, as they have experienced it too. And it got me to start really thinking on the relationships I have again.

Even those with whom I would like to share my new truths, are truly remarkable individuals, who are so busy in their own lives, and in a way that has nothing to do with me, have no time available. But timing is interesting. In the past 6 months, I would say 75% of the people I consider close, simultaneously got too busy.

This is a hard lesson to learn. I find that I will continue to think, and try to connect, but I need to start acknowledging that these could dry up for good. A relationship cannot exist, without that sacred reciprocity. It must give in both directions.

Physics, Reader Questions

Reader Question #3 – Time

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“Sometimes, I know things days before they happen. How do I do that?”

To understand the answer to this question, you have to know that time is a construct we have created to organize, or better yet, pair down reality into smaller and more tangible doses.

Time is not something that existed before we needed it to understand reality.

So, what is time a construct for? Blips in the ‘verse I call “Awareness Segments”. Please note that I am intentionally leaving out the important and very closely related topics of Space and Oneness.

An Awareness Segment is an instance of everything you are aware of. Even if we were to define this as one-millionth of a second, how many words would it take you describe everything you are aware of in everything perceived by your 9-12 senses, for everything within viewing, hearing, considering, feeling distance…

It is an absurd amount of information. In fact, your brain has built the remarkable ability to filter by importance and forget what doesn’t rank high enough as to not get overwhelmed.

Let’s take a step back in this explanation….

Imagine you have a deck of cards. These are kept in a stack, all conveniently in one spot.  But although you know that the deck contains 52 cards, you only see the face of the one on the bottom.  You have to count them out to be sure there is actually 52. And how do you feel about how well you know your cards in a game like Euchre (5 card hand) versus War (26 card hand)?

You quickly see that it becomes more difficult to be fully aware of each card, the more there are.

But it is still very possible to set each unique card out on the floor, and be aware of all 52 at the same time.  Imagine that the deck of cards had 1,326 unique cards in it… This is harder to hold awareness of.

Now imagine that each card, instead of being a simple combination of color, number, and symbols, it is an Awareness Segment.

I believe this example does a good job at illustrating why we created the construct of time. With so much information on a single card, how can we do anything more than look at a single card at one time, and then flip to the next when we feel ready?

This, however, does tell tales of the falsity of time. As quantum physics shows us that people don’t agree on the amount of time an event takes, nor do they agree about the amount of time between events. How quickly time is perceived is completely dependent on how quickly they are flipping through their decks. The truth of the matter is, all Awareness Segments exist in the same instance. We just cannot yet perceive them in the same instance.

So to answer the question directly, you or someone with whom you speak can perceive more than one Awareness Segment at once, therefore, they can tell you about a card that you have not yet flipped to.

And truth be told, this is not so far fetched.  Our brains are built to slowly perceive more information, when we are ready. This is the easiest to see in babies.

For the sake of ending this post today I will give only one example. Object Permanence.

After a baby is born, and after they are aware of you, you only exist to them, when they are aware of you. If you walk away, and they can neither see nor hear you, you no longer exist to them. Between the age of 6 – 9 months, a baby has developed enough of their brain to be able to retain the information that you can exist, even if they don’t see you.  Their brain has developed enough to deal with the amount of information they have, and is ready for more, so it starts maintaining that extra information; which is you.

Your brain is protecting you from further awareness because it has a hard time coping with the knowledge with each Awareness Segment, before it accepts it all, processes it, and you flip a card.

Further Reading (as you have no reason to believe my physics claims):
http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2010/07/humans-have-a-lot-more-than-five-senses/
http://discovermagazine.com/2007/jun/in-no-time
http://www.iflscience.com/physics/your-future-set-stone-spacetime

Interesting article that talks about Music, Astrophysics, and the Quechua people. Not to mention, some conversation about Pachamama being referred to as More than Mother Earth, but Mother Space/Time:
https://folklife.si.edu/magazine/intergalactic-pachamama-kichwa-cosmology-vs-western-astrophysics

 

And then I met God, again, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Boundaries

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A large lesson to be learned in doing the South work on this path, is learning boundaries.  Ironically, before I even officially started on this path, I was in a class held by Sarenth Odinson called Encountering the Runes.  It was amazing!  And when he held up a rune in explanation, I felt a sigil etching itself on my face.  It felt like a vertical line from the top to bottom of the left side of my face, then two more lines on diagonals creating an arrowhead pointing to the right of my face.  I later asked Sarenth what Rune he was holding up, and he said, Thurisaz.

Elder Futhark: Thurisaz
Elder Futhark: Thurisaz

And after speaking with my mentor, Jim, he informed me that a lesser known meaning of Thurisaz is Boundaries, and to hold them.

Now, I have not yet met a lesson along this journey that has been filled with the glee and the wonder of, oh say, learning about how to calculate the inclination of a new star off the plain of the sky…  These lessons tend to put you in the hardest possible position, and then apply pressure until you are forced to figure out a way to get out of it.  And I find myself asking the question, “Can’t anything be easy!!??”

And when I come to that question, I hear chains of raucous laughter in my own head.

If you were not pushed into the worst possible situation, who is to say you could really learn the lesson.  If the spirits doing the teaching were to ‘go easy’ on you, you might walk away thinking you know the answer, and only having scratched the surface. My teachers, and I hope yours too, will not spare me any difficulty, in order to do you the justice you deserve as a true student.

But so much of the South work (Which started on August 16, 2014 and is nearing an end in April 24, 2015), has truly been about balancing compassion, with boundaries.  How do you hold compassion for others, while holding firm boundaries and protection around yourself.  This has truly been tested, and abused.

I find myself in a situation, where I must hold a boundary hard.  And I must hold it to protect me, and my family, from people who we care about, and have no intention of causing harm.  Holding a boundary when you can see the pain it causes, and aching because the compassion you must hold must be abated for the sake of that firm boundary.   Yet there can be no give, and no wiggle room.  This boundary is the limit.  And no matter how much I long to act more on my compassion, I have learned that Generosity can be as much of a curse as a blessing.

By allowing your compassion to run without the boundaries, you are draining yourself, and enabling others.  Endless generosity breeds darkness, and although not as blatantly hard, it is a more insidious darkness.

Lesson learned.  I get it.  When can it stop?

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Price of Admission

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We can find advice in all sorts of good places. One thing I heard from Sex Columnist, Dan Savage, really stuck with me.  While giving advice to a woman who really needed to extricate herself from the relationship she was in, he asked, “What is your price of admission?”

This is a remarkable question to ask in any relationship.  As a Shaman, or as a spirit worker, or in any walk of life as a human being, you are going to be in relationships with others. Others can be spirits, energies, people, trees, dogs, you name it…  You are building a relationship. And just like with people you know, relationships come in all shapes and sizes.  Some relationships are truly healthy for you, and some look healthy, as long as you don’t get too close.

The more you look at them, you have to ask some serious questions. Like, how do you know if a relationship is healthy?  Am I giving more than I am taking? Am I taking more than I am giving? Or Vice-Versa…

I was once told by a very reliable spirit, that my biggest challenge to overcome is my generosity.  It took me a long time to see how generosity can be a challenge to overcome.  And it wasn’t until things were really hard, and I found that I had friends that were taking more than they were giving, and it brought me to the point where I realized how much advantage had been taken.  To the point where relationships were damaged severely.

And I looked to my right, where Rabbi Jesus offers his compassionate view, I looked to the left and found Hecate outlining the boundaries in front of me.  And I had to ask the question, “What is my price of admission?”

I found that the answer was very straight forward. In order to ride this ride with me:

  1. You need to respect me as a human being.
  2. You must be considerate of me and my family
  3. You must be willing to see that you could be the problem.

The answer was straight forward, following up on it, was not. I have several relationships, both friends and family, that I need to extricate myself from.

So, perhaps the main question is not about the price of admission, but perhaps the question is, how do you respond to those who are not willing to pay the price, yet still try to ride…

And then I met God, again, Khuya

Learning about myself through my Addiction/Greed Khuya

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In the beginning of the south work (We work the four directions on this path), we select three stones to make friends out of.  Each of these stones are used with a specific emotion, feeling, or terrible problem.

In this post, I would like to discuss my Granite Khuya.  This is a stone I got from the ashes of our first ceremonial fire I attended with my mentor.  I connected this stone, in my mind, with Pachamama. (Which is Qechua for Mother Earth.)

To create this Khuya, I needed to find something in my past, inside me, that illustrated Greed or Addiction.

I am happy to say that I couldn’t find much in my character (Where I am now, at least) that I can attribute to Greed.  Addiction wasn’t much easier to locate.  And I thought about how I had had a hard time giving up Soda a few years ago. (And in fact, I still drink it on road trips, when we eat out, and from time to time otherwise.)

After we spent time thinking about this, we needed to sit around, and speak about our issues with our Wyna Allyu (Small Group), and mentor.  Upon hearing my unsure suggestion at a soda addiction, Jim was like, ummm, no.  That is not it.  Can you not think of anything that is a bit truer?  And I couldn’t.  I truly couldn’t see it.

He said, do you not see that you have an addiction to Data? He then began to enumerate, from just the seemingly few interactions we had had, all of the ways that I would become obsessed with knowing ‘all the things’ about any topic.

I had never considered this as an addiction, but as he spoke through some of the examples, I really saw the possibility.

From there, we were given a more difficult task.  We were to take a walk.  And the point of this walk was to spend time, in nature, almost in meditation, while thinking about our addictions. I guess that statement doesn’t do this justice.  It was to focus so hard on the individual issues that you are able to locate the source, the point in your past from where this addiction came.  The challenge here was really to go through and find the worst parts of yourself, and explore them in broad daylight, and without being able to close your eyes, or point at someone else.  This was the truest experience of staring into the worst of myself, and finding the root cause.

With the other two Khuya I created during this time, it was EASY to find those things, and work to their source.  (Easy in the sense of how vivid they were in memory, not actually digging in, that was terrible) This particular thing, an addiction to data, was one that I wasn’t going to question when Jim brought it up, but at that time, I really didn’t see it.  I saw how it could completely be true, but not how it was.  Nor could I really see the dangers in such an addiction.  And here is the answer, and perhaps this is true with all addictions, and I am just unaware.  It is insidious.  It is subtle. You are completely unaware of it, until it explodes in your face, and then you are stuck in a place where an unbelievable effort is required to extricate yourself, and a lifetime of ongoing work to keep yourself free of it.

I think it is important to know that I get into a job, any job, and immediately start looking for the ways to improve it. How can I do this job better?  And after a bit of effort, I master the job, find the best paths to walk, and the best shortcuts I can take to make it more efficient.  Then I get bored.  I start taking on the other tasks to fill my time.  And then, all the tasks are done, and I get bored. The average job would be exciting for about 2 months.

In fact, working in computers has been so amazing because every time I learn one thing, I hear of five more that I had never even seen before.  I took me a long time to get bored.  This job really held me for about 10 years.  But I still fall back into, what can I do, to learn more, to make this interesting.  I am not saying I know everything with computers.  I have learned a large amount about the parts I can make myself care about, and those are ones I have been working on for 15 years.  Anyway, the point of the matter is, I look for stuff to learn outside of work.  I have taken up, Martial arts, running, Archery, Violin, Board work for my church, giving sermons, teaching, reading, writing, blogging, weight lifting, Astro Physics, Quantum Physics, and studying about spirituality, religion… I wish the list stopped there.

And I don’t know of any sane person that says learning is a bad thing, but the problem with almost any addiction isn’t that the thing itself is bad. I mean, you can have a drink, and not be an alcoholic. My addiction was disrupting the balance of my life, and I didn’t see it.

I kept complaining about how I felt that there wasn’t enough time for anything, I was too stressed, too much going on, anything was just one more thing.  In fact, I still feel this way, but a friend pointed out that it comes from being too fragmented.

I am a father, a husband, an uncle, a guardian, a martial artist, a programmer, a manager, a leader, a speaker, a blogger, a runner, a president, a congregant, a teammate, a friend, a lover, a shaman, a problem, a physicist, an educator, a student, a hunter, a protector, and an artist.

While I often shift which has the highest priority; father, and husband, are always on top. But it is not always easy to see that.  Anyway, he pointed this out, and I had never seen it before. These are not just roles that everyone has, these are the culmination of the damage that my addiction to data has brought me.  And as I see it, I have to separate each and every one of my roles and then re-evaluate its individual value in my life to keep myself sane while figuring out how to curb the addiction.
After I have evaluated it, I can then attempt to find a way to bring it back into my life, in a way the suits my current goals moving forward.  If it doesn’t fit, then it should be shelved.

The best metaphor I can come up with is to look at the pile of dominos on the floor, and pick up each one, and then stacking them sequentially on their heads.

They will inevitably fall down again at some point.  But this will be a job of finding balance and a firm grounding on which to build my track.

And while I am always shocked when these rambling posts come to a point, this one brings me back to balance.  Which I think is what all of this work is about.  Finding the places in your life that are so far off the “bell-curve” that even the outliers’ call them outliers, and bringing them back in to balance with the rest of you.  The first step is seeing the problem.