Category Archives: And then I met God, again

This is a group of posts in regards to large changes in perspective that I have had on the path. It be relevant to a specific God or Goddess, but might not.

Hecate

Calling

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This path is not easy.  I have gone through an unbelievable amount of work, growth, and change since that day I came out of my “Shaman Sickness.”  There have been physical issues, mental issues, energetic issues, and I think worst of all, interpersonal issues.  I have had to dissect many aspects of myself and be very honest about who I am, which is not always easy.

But I knew my path.  And it doesn’t actually matter what it takes to get there, I know that “there” is where I will be, so I press on.  Recently, I have found that the efforts I spend to work with, and assist people, have been the most empowering efforts I could be doing.  I feel as if I am more whole for offering cleansings and guidance.

I am told that I am starting to fulfill my role.  I am a Torchbearer.  For those who have questions, and have lost their way, I can guide them through the chaos and hardships to the door that leads them to their path.  And each time this effort becomes a reality, I feel like all is right with the world. I feel like I am doing right, and my calling is fulfilling me.

Sometimes it is important to see that the right path is rarely the easy path, but taking on that challenge has some remarkably clear, and tangible benefits.

I am helping people, and I feel good.

And then I met God, again, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Boundaries

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A large lesson to be learned in doing the South work on this path, is learning boundaries.  Ironically, before I even officially started on this path, I was in a class held by Sarenth Odinson called Encountering the Runes.  It was amazing!  And when he held up a rune in explanation, I felt a sigil etching itself on my face.  It felt like a vertical line from the top to bottom of the left side of my face, then two more lines on diagonals creating an arrowhead pointing to the right of my face.  I later asked Sarenth what Rune he was holding up, and he said, Thurisaz.

Elder Futhark: Thurisaz
Elder Futhark: Thurisaz

And after speaking with my mentor, Jim, he informed me that a lesser known meaning of Thurisaz is Boundaries, and to hold them.

Now, I have not yet met a lesson along this journey that has been filled with the glee and the wonder of, oh say, learning about how to calculate the inclination of a new star off the plain of the sky…  These lessons tend to put you in the hardest possible position, and then apply pressure until you are forced to figure out a way to get out of it.  And I find myself asking the question, “Can’t anything be easy!!??”

And when I come to that question, I hear chains of raucous laughter in my own head.

If you were not pushed into the worst possible situation, who is to say you could really learn the lesson.  If the spirits doing the teaching were to ‘go easy’ on you, you might walk away thinking you know the answer, and only having scratched the surface. My teachers, and I hope yours too, will not spare me any difficulty, in order to do you the justice you deserve as a true student.

But so much of the South work (Which started on August 16, 2014 and is nearing an end in April 24, 2015), has truly been about balancing compassion, with boundaries.  How do you hold compassion for others, while holding firm boundaries and protection around yourself.  This has truly been tested, and abused.

I find myself in a situation, where I must hold a boundary hard.  And I must hold it to protect me, and my family, from people who we care about, and have no intention of causing harm.  Holding a boundary when you can see the pain it causes, and aching because the compassion you must hold must be abated for the sake of that firm boundary.   Yet there can be no give, and no wiggle room.  This boundary is the limit.  And no matter how much I long to act more on my compassion, I have learned that Generosity can be as much of a curse as a blessing.

By allowing your compassion to run without the boundaries, you are draining yourself, and enabling others.  Endless generosity breeds darkness, and although not as blatantly hard, it is a more insidious darkness.

Lesson learned.  I get it.  When can it stop?

And then I met God, again, Khuya

Learning about myself through my Addiction/Greed Khuya

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In the beginning of the south work (We work the four directions on this path), we select three stones to make friends out of.  Each of these stones are used with a specific emotion, feeling, or terrible problem.

In this post, I would like to discuss my Granite Khuya.  This is a stone I got from the ashes of our first ceremonial fire I attended with my mentor.  I connected this stone, in my mind, with Pachamama. (Which is Qechua for Mother Earth.)

To create this Khuya, I needed to find something in my past, inside me, that illustrated Greed or Addiction.

I am happy to say that I couldn’t find much in my character (Where I am now, at least) that I can attribute to Greed.  Addiction wasn’t much easier to locate.  And I thought about how I had had a hard time giving up Soda a few years ago. (And in fact, I still drink it on road trips, when we eat out, and from time to time otherwise.)

After we spent time thinking about this, we needed to sit around, and speak about our issues with our Wyna Allyu (Small Group), and mentor.  Upon hearing my unsure suggestion at a soda addiction, Jim was like, ummm, no.  That is not it.  Can you not think of anything that is a bit truer?  And I couldn’t.  I truly couldn’t see it.

He said, do you not see that you have an addiction to Data? He then began to enumerate, from just the seemingly few interactions we had had, all of the ways that I would become obsessed with knowing ‘all the things’ about any topic.

I had never considered this as an addiction, but as he spoke through some of the examples, I really saw the possibility.

From there, we were given a more difficult task.  We were to take a walk.  And the point of this walk was to spend time, in nature, almost in meditation, while thinking about our addictions. I guess that statement doesn’t do this justice.  It was to focus so hard on the individual issues that you are able to locate the source, the point in your past from where this addiction came.  The challenge here was really to go through and find the worst parts of yourself, and explore them in broad daylight, and without being able to close your eyes, or point at someone else.  This was the truest experience of staring into the worst of myself, and finding the root cause.

With the other two Khuya I created during this time, it was EASY to find those things, and work to their source.  (Easy in the sense of how vivid they were in memory, not actually digging in, that was terrible) This particular thing, an addiction to data, was one that I wasn’t going to question when Jim brought it up, but at that time, I really didn’t see it.  I saw how it could completely be true, but not how it was.  Nor could I really see the dangers in such an addiction.  And here is the answer, and perhaps this is true with all addictions, and I am just unaware.  It is insidious.  It is subtle. You are completely unaware of it, until it explodes in your face, and then you are stuck in a place where an unbelievable effort is required to extricate yourself, and a lifetime of ongoing work to keep yourself free of it.

I think it is important to know that I get into a job, any job, and immediately start looking for the ways to improve it. How can I do this job better?  And after a bit of effort, I master the job, find the best paths to walk, and the best shortcuts I can take to make it more efficient.  Then I get bored.  I start taking on the other tasks to fill my time.  And then, all the tasks are done, and I get bored. The average job would be exciting for about 2 months.

In fact, working in computers has been so amazing because every time I learn one thing, I hear of five more that I had never even seen before.  I took me a long time to get bored.  This job really held me for about 10 years.  But I still fall back into, what can I do, to learn more, to make this interesting.  I am not saying I know everything with computers.  I have learned a large amount about the parts I can make myself care about, and those are ones I have been working on for 15 years.  Anyway, the point of the matter is, I look for stuff to learn outside of work.  I have taken up, Martial arts, running, Archery, Violin, Board work for my church, giving sermons, teaching, reading, writing, blogging, weight lifting, Astro Physics, Quantum Physics, and studying about spirituality, religion… I wish the list stopped there.

And I don’t know of any sane person that says learning is a bad thing, but the problem with almost any addiction isn’t that the thing itself is bad. I mean, you can have a drink, and not be an alcoholic. My addiction was disrupting the balance of my life, and I didn’t see it.

I kept complaining about how I felt that there wasn’t enough time for anything, I was too stressed, too much going on, anything was just one more thing.  In fact, I still feel this way, but a friend pointed out that it comes from being too fragmented.

I am a father, a husband, an uncle, a guardian, a martial artist, a programmer, a manager, a leader, a speaker, a blogger, a runner, a president, a congregant, a teammate, a friend, a lover, a shaman, a problem, a physicist, an educator, a student, a hunter, a protector, and an artist.

While I often shift which has the highest priority; father, and husband, are always on top. But it is not always easy to see that.  Anyway, he pointed this out, and I had never seen it before. These are not just roles that everyone has, these are the culmination of the damage that my addiction to data has brought me.  And as I see it, I have to separate each and every one of my roles and then re-evaluate its individual value in my life to keep myself sane while figuring out how to curb the addiction.
After I have evaluated it, I can then attempt to find a way to bring it back into my life, in a way the suits my current goals moving forward.  If it doesn’t fit, then it should be shelved.

The best metaphor I can come up with is to look at the pile of dominos on the floor, and pick up each one, and then stacking them sequentially on their heads.

They will inevitably fall down again at some point.  But this will be a job of finding balance and a firm grounding on which to build my track.

And while I am always shocked when these rambling posts come to a point, this one brings me back to balance.  Which I think is what all of this work is about.  Finding the places in your life that are so far off the “bell-curve” that even the outliers’ call them outliers, and bringing them back in to balance with the rest of you.  The first step is seeing the problem.

And then I met God, again, Spirit Animal

Giveth and Taketh Away

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Gray Timber Wolf.

My third spirit animal has been quite elusive. She shows up from time to time so I know She is still there, but always from a far.

From the moment I learned about Her (which, in itself, felt as if it happened before She was ready, and it was definitely by accident) I understood that there was some extra work I needed to do in order to know Her.  Maybe even to prove my credibility in order to know Her. I felt such a longing for this energy that is a part of me, yet I do not have access.

And finally, we spoke. I felt the connection, and with that last piece in place I felt whole. And for the first time, I learned her name.

I slept well that night, and when I woke, although desperately scrambling to recall it, I couldn’t’ find Her name.

Emerald?
Evergreen?
Forest?

It is like I have the essence of the name, but not the word to perfectly fit.  And then I heard Her voice. “I took it back from you.”

“Why?” I asked in utter perplexity.

“You are not Ready.  Make a connection with the tribe, then I will give it back to you.” She said.

*For those of you who do not know, I live in Traverse City, MI, and there is a reservation nearby.  But this “quest” (for lack of a better term) is a different story.

She gave me this challenge, not as a ‘condition to Her affection’, but as a tool I can use to identify my own readiness. (And I did not realize this myself, until I wrote it here)

Where does this stand now? There has been almost no contact for over a year, I almost forgot She was still with me.

************

I was driving home from a trip down state. The fog was thick, and I was driving 10 miles per hour below the speed limit.  As I came over a slight hill, I saw a place where I went into a small valley between two hills.  There was an eerie line I crossed where I went below the fog between these two hills.  And into the center of the road, walked a very large timber wolf.  My Timber Wolf.  I had NEVER seen one in person before.  I started to slow down as to not hit Her, and she turned, looked me in the eye, bowed Her head slightly, turned to casually walk off.  This incident was particularly strange to me because there wasn’t enough time for Her to do all of that, before I would hit her at the speed I was driving, yet, it was not even a close call.

But I know for sure, She is with me.

And then I met God, again

How is that shamanism?

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I fear that as I move forward in collecting my thoughts about what I am doing, and how it is spiritual, I find that I fall into the normal and almost expected traps I tend to build for myself.  I try so hard to find ways for my thoughts to fit within the science I study.  I try so hard to solidify the efforts into something tangible. But when it comes down to it, you need to ask yourself, is this really spiritual at all? Is this really something I am doing on faith, or for my own path moving forward.

In an effort to make sure that I am keeping information centralized, I would like to outline the circumstances as to why I wrote the sermon I gave last week, and how I do regard it as part of my shamanic work.  This is not something anyone has challenged me on, but I find having the context makes it easier to go back to, review, and accept it for what it is.

(This refers to the post: Unpacking your invisible Misa)

I was assisting with a project in December of 2014 at our congregation, and there were subtle pieces of conversation that truly illustrated to me that there is a fair amount of privilege our congregation holds, and some of the members speak in ways that make it harder to ignore.  As someone who has been doing a fair amount of ego work, and a fair amount of work recognizing my own privilege, I emailed our Rabbi to suggest that we do a sermon on Privilege.

With so much of what I do in this community, I plant a seed, and wait for it to grow into something that starts to address the problem at hand.  Our Rabbi is a remarkable woman, and recognizing the potential the idea had, and the potential benefit it could return, she saturated that seed with Miracle-Grow!  (Okay, to ditch the hokey metaphor, she sent me an email and said, “That sounds amazing, let’s do it in 2 weeks, on Dr. Martin Luther King day.”)

The context behind this sermon was that I saw a small piece of our community that subtly rots away at the soul of our congregation.  A small piece that works against our very goals and fiber. And when I realized that it was there, in order to start to heal, or at least acknowledge it was there as to not make it become worse, action needed to be taken.  The action I took was to write a Teaching to be given that would educate people about their invisible privilege, in a way they could hear, and not take offense.  By giving this speech about myself, I was able to assure people didn’t dis-acknowledge the message due to their own refusal to accept that they have privilege, nor miss the message as they were caught up in guilt over the recognition of their own privilege.

This is shamanism because it is effort put forward, with both subtle and overt overtones to change the community for the betterment of the community.

Writing this was spiritual and quite a challenge on my own path, as well.  I was assisted by my two guides (for lack of a better phrase) on how to push this in the right direction.  They also encouraged me to accept the aspects of myself that are more challenging to talk about.  I have to really address the content of what made to be who I am, and not only address the fears that came out of it, but also, really sit with the experiences that I faced, and feel what they mean. Writing this speech was the core of personal growth and personal healing work.  Giving this speech, was the core of shamanism.

 

And then I met God, again

New Beginnings

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This year has been full of tumult. I have a feeling that the next year will challenge me in new ways, before things get better.  But in this year, I have grown more than I had hoped from the beginning. And I am proud of myself.

It is amazing how you set your intent to learn and to grow, and how you never end up in exactly the place you assumed you would be in.  Learning is an ever-changing snake-like path that you will continue to ride as long as you chose to move forward.  Getting off is an option, but I think that that would be the only way to not move towards your goal of growth.

This year, I have stumbled upon the reality that my wife and I have paid tribute to, and received the benefits from the bounty of the God Shiva. The common understanding of Shiva is as the Hindu God of Death and  Rebirth.  But, my realization this year has been that Shiva is not only for the Death and Rebirth of a person or spirit, but that of ideas, and habits… Shiva is also the God of changing intention, and attitude.  Shiva is a proponent to change and growth.

Without the death of something, the growth of another cannot occur.  Since the beginning of my marriage, my wife and I have chosen each other every morning.  We do not assume that we will be together forever because we took vows.  We continually come to one another with our challenges, fears, happiness’s, inspirations, efforts, confusions, you name it. And with each new conversation, we speak, we think, we accept our initial emotions, then we think about each other, and how sometimes the person that needs to change in a hard time is us and not them.  We make the choice to grow, and with each time we chose a harder path for the other, we grow closer together.  We change.Let me come up with a clear example.Let us say she came to me with the idea of wanting another partner. (Male or female is irrelevant for this situation, but pick which over works for you)10 years ago, my mindset put me in a place that would make me angerly say, “No.”But if I inspect that emotion, why it is so strong, I would have seen that I was reacting to the idea of, “but that is my body, and I don’t want to share it with anyone else.” The concept of, “Mine.”  The concept of ownership and property. And although I would have definitely felt it strongly, it would be hard to admit that that is what it was. Because even in my 10 year younger mind, the concept of “Mine” was strong, but, I didn’t believe on ownership of a partner. (Yes, I know this conflicts, but it is amazing what you can reason past)
(I realize that for some of you, there is a religious concern, but when you think hard about that, you might also see that the idea of property is involved. And if you have a religious concern, continue reading anyway, this does not end in judgement on you or your religion.)

And when I think about what it means to me, and why I react so strongly, there are a lot of questions that come up.

Do I own her body?
Do I own her emotion?
Does she owe anything to me to listen to my concerns?
What needs am I not meeting?
Are there needs I am unable to meet?
What are her needs that drive this interest?
What about another partner is she looking for?

And it comes back to, this question was posed to me, not asked of me.  She is a wonderful strong individual, completely independent of me. This is why I love her so much. So, if there is nothing owed either way, what reason would I have to say no to her about this?

The only answer I could say, that is true, and not ego-centric about this, would be the answer to another question than we have been talking about.

Is this idea, an idea that is worth driving us apart?

I personally feel that, as a strong individual, she has complete ownership of her own mind, body, and spirit.  I am grateful for the amount of those three things she is willing to share with me. And I enjoy making choices that cause her to chose to allow me to be part of her.  But what is the limit?So, is it worth driving us apart?You could say, “No, it is not worth driving us apart.” Or, you could say, “You are a wonderful person, but, I cannot say yes to this.  But, you may make the choice to chose another person, instead of me.”I think the Sex Columnist, Dan Savage, said it best, “What is your cost of admission?”I specifically chose an example that I thought could pose some personal introspection to many people.  I can’t tell you for sure how I would answer the question above if it were posed me.  But, this process that I followed here, is a tribute to Shiva.  It is looking at my mindset, thinking hard about different perspectives, and challenging each thought to shape itself into it’s best appearance.Death of an old concept, rebirth of a new concept (formed loosely on the old)In so many small decisions, and most of the big decisions, Shiva has been the code to help us continue to chose the decision that was right, even when it required challenging growth.In the upcoming year, I hope to continue to hold favor with this God, and also hope that the challenges and decisions I need to make are smaller and less challenging, but, I am confident I have the tools to move forward either way.

 

And then I met God, again

Hecate

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And this time, She took the form of a beautiful pale woman in a red dress.  I was sitting in a lounging couch and She walked in, past me, and stopped.  I could see the back of Her.  I got up, walked towards Her.  She seemed deeply saddened about something.

I thought she was my dear friend, my spirit partner, Natalia.  I placed my hand (with intention of being comforting) on her shoulder. She went rigid and turned to me almost instantaneously, and glared into my eyes.  “I did not give you permission to touch me!”

It is important to know that there is not much that scares me.  Very few spirits, or entities, or humans.  Her look terrified me. I took a step back and apologized for the familiarity as I thought She was a friend of mine.

“I have been your friend, and I will be your friend, but not now.  Now we don’t know one another. Come with me.”

And then we were on the roof of the mansion we were in.  She was carving something into the stone at the top of the chimney.  She said, “To show you what I offer in our arrangement, I will help you”  She engraved something into the stone and turned to me.  “You should start to have an easier time now, we will talk again soon.”

———

When I woke up, I thought, who the hell was that?  And in my mind, I heard “Hecate, we have been close before, and we will again” followed by a laugh.

…

Things got easier…

And then I met God, again, Lost in Translation

Balance

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I have recently been so over… ummm, burdened? no.  Over… filled? no.  I have been so inundated  with new energy ever since we did the South work, in the progression of becoming a Shaman of the Peruvian lineage.  Now, it is not that that ceremony gave me more energy, it allowed me to see it more clearly. I can see more clearly, and definitely feel energy in new ways.

For quite some time, I have been considering the idea of how to proceed with this new energy. And while, there are ideas about how to harness it to help in “making the crops grow”, as it were, the biggest challenge I have had is controlling it.

In my everyday, I work hard to control my actions and my words to get exactly and only the results I anticipate.  (This is a rough practice where everyday I hope to fail a little bit less than the day before ~ But I am slowly getting comfortable in my skin)

For instance, if you are using a sword, if you focus on moving the back end of the handle only a quarter of an inch, you have to anticipate that with a 45″ blade, you will be moving the tip of that sword closer to 6″ in the opposite direction.  A small action can have a large consequence if you don’t plan ahead.  Now, what if you are handed a larger sword, a length you have never used, and you have to practice this 1/4 inch movement in a crowd of people.

This is the dilemma I am talking about.  I knew how to control my old energy.  Now that I perceive so much more energy, how do I limit my actions from changing things I don’t intend?  If I have my new sword that is somewhere between 80″ and 105″, how am I supposed to keep people safe from the tip, when I have to practice my movement, but cannot predict the range of the tip?

I took some time to think about this, and I realized that I needed to speak to someone about it.  How do I deal with this new energy, in a way that allows me to learn, while not harming people.

So much work has gone into cultivating the relationships with Rabbi Jesus, where I envy and would like to show the types of compassion he can, as well as Hecate.  She is somewhat cold and to the point.  Her energy is concise, and definitive, and she will lash out from time to time. There is so much in her energy that I feel makes me a better person.

How can I take these two energies, harness them to become who I most need to be, while being aware of this new perception of the immense energy I now keep with me. To be honest, this idea is really unsettling for me.  So I asked for help.

I met with our Rabbi, and she is truly as spiritual as anyone I have met.  Without a word from me, she informed me that she sees that I am concerned with how to wield my newly received energy. (Damn, she is good)  And we were able to speak about it. She informed me that in the Jewish faith, and forgive me for butchering this as I paraphrase, you will carry a good energy on your right, and a harder energy on your left.  The work is to realize that harder is not bad, or evil, just harder.  And if you could remove all of the hardship from your life, you would do nothing. Challenge is the proponent to growth.  And she compared Rabbi Jesus and Hecate as my good and challenging.  With that comparison, I need to respect both, utilize both, but find the balance for the life I wish to present.   ~What wisdom…

So, I am set forth with the challenge of finding where my compassion leads and where my boundaries need to become more apparent.  Still rough.  Last night, I spoke with my wife (another remarkably wise soul) and she pointed out the flaw in my thinking.  (And I think the Rabbi was saying it, and I wasn’t hearing it) it is not about, working with 1, until it is time to switch with another, it is about always holding compassion, even when you must hold a strong boundary.  It is about always living both.

Both of these energies were elated.  She had explained it to me in words I could here.  I need to hold my compassion, and my boundaries simultaneously, neither giving in, nor pushing away. I am a silo that interacts when I need to, and where I need to. The boundaries allow me to hold my own strength. Allow me to show infinite compassion while never being taken advantage of.  Balancing this dichotomy is the road to true strength over this energetic dilemma.

And then I met God, again

Awakening Part 2

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I remembered the other part of the message from Diana. “Become the biggest Brujo You can be.”

I contacted my good friends who I knew were Wiccan and we had spoken before of the Fay.  (Aine and Robb, I love you guys) Knowing the Brujo is Spanish for “male witch”, I thought of Robb. I always trust their opinions, and I know they will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it.

They heard me, and when they heard 2-spirits, they said, “Shaman”.  You need to speak with a Shaman. They told me they would get back to me after they had spoken to some people about who I should speak with.  Knowing my love of Japan, and my love of the martial arts, they were thinking some of their friends that were both Shaman, and loved the martial arts.

I started researching Shamans, and shamanism.  Prior to this, I had only ever heard of Shaman in some of my favorite fantasy novels.  I learned that there were Shamans all over the world. I focused on Japan… downfall there, all Japanese Shamans were women.  While I have a lot of feminine energy, I am very distinctly male.  And I associate as male, so that was just not going to work.  So, I started to review Shamans from all of the different countries.  I learned of those from Mongolia, Ireland, Denmark, Poland, Russia, Africa, and all of the Americas.

And my eyes stuck on Peru.  The history of Shamanism in South America tells the tail of how the Spanish conquered, and as they came, they labeled the Shamans “Witches” (Brujos).  This struck me SO clearly, and I saw the density of the messages that Diana passed on.

I called Robb and Aine back.  And they said, “Two Snakes”.  You need to speak with our friend Jim.  I reached out to Jim, he and his wife were two of the most kind and welcoming people I have met, and they were so generous with their time and knowledge.  We scheduled a time to meet.

And the next time I was in the area, I ventured over to their shop: The Wandering Owl.

James Stovall, Jim, Two Snakes, Shaman Jim, and his wife Ange Stovall
Shamans/Store Owners/Teachers (several other roles)
The Wandering Owl
139 N. Jackson Street
Jackson, MI 49201
(517) 782-2780
http://thewanderingowl.com

And while I am giving a plug for them, Jim also has an amazing podcast http://thejaguarandtheowl.com

I feel no shame for adding this plug.  Giving them business, if I can, is the least I can do, as they have worked so hard to help me to get where I am.

I know my path, I know the direction, I know what it takes, and I have someone to ask questions of.

I am on the path of becoming a Shaman of the Peruvian lineage (The Q’ero, or Inca Shamans).  It is probably time to take off the training badge and accept what I am, but I am always learning.  I will always be a student.

And after hearing a path from spirit, and having it so quickly solidified into reality, tells me a bit about faith.

My eyes are open, am I looking, and I am seeing.

And then I met God, again

Breaking down my bias

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While no one is shocked, as so many pagans have experienced this, I have a strong bias against Christianity.  We all know why, so, I do not want this post to be about the issues that led me to this point, but I would like to discuss why this has become an issue for me.

As I have mentioned in the past, I work heavily with my ancestors with an Ancestry Alter. I ran into a problem in the past year where my ancestors that are Catholic no longer wished to be at my alter. This was a really painful thing for me, as I knew that they didn’t want to be there because I was pagan, and this was not what they wanted to support.  But I was also grateful to them as they were there for me through the toughest part, when I was learning to start, and despite the prejudice, they helped me.

Now, It is important to mention at this point that so much of my recent work has brought me to see my privilege, and the decisions I make based on only the information I can see, which is not necessarily all the information that is presented.

But them leaving my alter really made me heart sick.  And it took months of doing my own personal work, that while listening to the podcast “The Jaguar and the Owl” that it suddenly came to me, my ancestors did not leave my alter because they were against me, or my faith, or my work… They asked to leave because of the hatred I had for Christianity.  Because through that, there is no way I could truly love them, as their religion is as much of them, as mine is of me.

Heart sick did not even begin to describe the way I felt at that moment in time.  They left because I allowed the wrongs I experienced turn something beautiful into a subtle hatred that was so pervasive that I have a hard time allowing friendship with self-identified Christians.  How does this suite my needs or my faith?  I let those Christians of my youth win, by letting them seed this hatred in me.  I often question how I could have let this happen.  And I realized that the answer is: It truly doesn’t matter.

As with all mistakes, the important part is how you move forward with your new realization, and although learn from the past, don’t waste time lamenting what cannot be changed.

So the question came: How do I heal such a deep and dark rift within myself?  I think this is the most difficult question I have ever posed, and I couldn’t hear any answers came through.  (It is amazing how we can be so blocked, you can’t hear good advise sometimes)

I asked a friend, Sarenth Odinson, while out to dinner.  He asked a few basic questions, and then he mentioned the idea of contacting Jesus himself.

*****

I pause a moment only to give visual affect to the way this statement affected me.  As a shaman, I guess I do have the capacity to reach out to the dead.  Wow, no pressure there at all.

Anyway, we continued our conversation, and he mentioned something else that really helped me in this thought process.  Sarenth also teaches a living traditions type of class where he teaches people to live his tribal religion.  I asked him how it was going.  And he said, wonderfully, slower than I anticipated, but wonderfully.  He commented on how he took for granted how to pray, as he learned it in his own Christian background.  Some people are matriculated with no formal religion or prayer at all.

Much like when I learned the value in a martial art I trained in and no longer had use for, I realized that my pagan faith, is built on the shoulders of my Catholic upbringing.  Because I grew up Catholic, I learned to connect to spirit, and how to pray.  How can I hate something that is such an integral part of who I am?

This conversation was particularly helpful due to what I could hear from it.  And it always makes me question, what valuable pieces am I not hearing.  I guess that is why I am determined to stay a perpetual student, so much to learn, so many subtleties.

That night, while pondering how I would go about contacting someone as powerful and well known as Jesus.

And he was there, Rabbi Jesus.

And an interesting conversation we had.  I feel as if it would be in appropriate to outline it here, but it moved me in remarkable ways.

I would like to tell you some of the things I have learned, and that I hope from every one.  Note, these are my words, not his.

I honestly feel we should all be more like Rabbi Jesus.  All of us. Of all of the deities I have worked with, he was the first powerful figure with whom I have spoken that I didn’t feel the need to have even a little bit of guard up.  I felt perfectly safe in his presence.  He was more compassionate than I could have ever imagined, and being in that presence was a gift onto itself.

For those who are Christian, I simply ask you choose your actions based on love.  For those of you who act and protest, and feel the need for your passionate faith be heard, I ask that you think about how Rabbi Jesus himself would act in that situation, not how your leader or book tell you.  I have read many of the existing versions of the bible, and the actions of the Rabbi I met, are not what are held true in the text. If your faith is true, you may still question everything, and still learn the truths of your faith.

For those of you who are not Christian, I simply ask you to choose your actions based on love.  When it comes to others, think how you would like them to treat you.  Notice that I didn’t say, act as your God(desse)s would act? I am hip to the fact that not all of our God(desse)s are peaceful. If your faith is true, you may still question everything, and still learn the truths of your faith.

I would like more Christ, and less Christianity.