If you have not yet read Relationships: Sacred Reciprocity, I recommend doing so.

Semi-frequently people will ask me about dating. Recently, a good personal friend asked me if I had any advice on stepping into a poly relationship. And here is the thing: I feel like I have never dated, and I know almost nothing about poly relationships. I met my partner when I was a senior in high school. They were a sophomore. We have been together since I was 17, and they were 15. So there is a whole world (particularly with modern internet connections/dating apps) about the intro to relationships that I have almost 0 context to.

Dating is about putting out feelers and trying to understand how the man/woman/human across from you can go from a beautiful face and witty yet kind charm, to someone you would be happy to offer a cup of tea when you know there is nothing more you can do to ease their suffering. And other than the potential number of people involved and how/when they are part of the relationship, poly relationships** are no different.

The aspect of relationships that I have been… studying?… are about how to maintain and grow them over long term. AND my suggestion is that the rules I put forward for relationships can only be true here too.

My partner and I are currently traveling as part of a commitment we made on our honeymoon. On our honeymoon, we agreed that in 20 years, we would come back to Spain with our children. (One of our children ~ who is now a legal adult ~ didn’t want to come, so out of our control.) So, after 20 years, where we have both done our personal work, we are still working at growing and improving, and we try our best to achieve our agreed upon commitments, here are some of the things that we have come up with.

If you would like your relationships to last, and I suspect that these are true for dating or opening yourself up to a relationship in any way:

1. Learn about and understand the concept of CONSENT deeply.
2. Put down your mask and be as honest as you can. We all have masks that we may not even know we are wearing. Don’t let this hinder you. Be as honest as you can, right now.
3. If you worry about things about yourself that you fear might not allow this relationship to work, which we all do: Relax. Everyone has their skeletons. I do recommend being honest in sharing concern and offering vulnerability ~ This is always a recommendation, however; as a matter of safety, it is ok to get a few dates in to see if that vulnerability feels potentially safe. (Reminder: situations where you are incredibly vulnerable are NEVER easy to share, so you have to decide a time that you are willing to take the leap.). When you can share your vulnerability, a partner worth having will be aware of the gift you have given, and feel safer in sharing their vulnerabilities with you.
4. Listen. Actively listen to what they are saying, and what their body language is sharing. Listen to hear their meaning, and any time you have something come up that you want to comment on or refute, hold onto it, keep your mouth closed, and listen. When they are done sharing, it is worth asking if they are willing or able to hear your input. This will make things SAFER for them to be honest. And if they say they are NOT able or willing to hear your input. Drop it. Do not find a way to share your input anyway. Honor their consent.
5. Feel your fucking feelings. This is our second house rule. And yes, we keep the swear word when we share this with our kids. It is an important part of the sentence. We, ourselves, need reminders that it is hard to acknowledge, feel, and process our own feelings. Even with this much work, it is still difficult. And we need to do it anyway. Happy? Do a cartwheel. Sad? Sulk on the couch with a cozy blanket. Angry? Let people know you are feeling anger and clarify that you are going to scream into a pillow and see if you can let it out. Then go do it. (I have added the let people know part because I am always afraid that my anger shapes the people around me in a way that feels abusive to me. If I can say, “I am feeling angry, and it is not about you, I need to go process.” can give me space to feel my big emotions without affecting others.) Also be very careful, You need to feel your feelings, but you may NOT abuse people with them. Even if you are angry at your partner, they actually cannot make you do anything, even feel anger. If their actions are causing you anger, Feel your feelings, and after you have felt your feelings, then have a clear conversation about what happened. Their action did not cause anger in you, the anger comes to you because the way you perceive or speculate about their action brought the feeling to you. Re-read that sentence, it is important. If you feel they caused it, you will be guilty of bludgeoning them with your anger when you try to talk, as you will undoubtedly raise your voice.
6. Feel comfortable in your discomfort. Other people experiencing their big feelings prompts most of us to want to fix it. (Dudes and chameleons, I am especially talking to you.) The best thing you can do to “fix” it, is let them be, and know that it is not about you. It is ok to say something like: “I see you are in your feelings, if/when you would like, I would like to be available for you.” This is so hard. But seriously, take that time to think about why you automatically assume it is about you when someone near you is processing big feelings. Let them feel, don’t make it about you. What if it IS about you? Trust that after they process, they will bring it to you to address.
7. The hardest thing to say is the thing you need to say first. Often, we get bent out of shape because there is something that we are feeling that we don’t feel safe sharing for one reason or another. This creates a breeding ground for miscommunication. I will often start the conversation with (as it will never have an easy-in to the conversation it feels like I must blurt it out.) “As we agree that the hardest thing to say is the thing I need to say first: … … … (say the thing)… … …” Then I let them process it. Then we talk. THIS SUCKS EVERY TIME. But, now we know the same things and understand each other’s feelings on the topic. It is amazing how much pressure this diffuses in our everyday.
8. Create and communicate a Safe Word. One thing that the Kink community does beautifully is work with Safe Words. This talks about consent, and a safe space to push past potentially uncomfortable situations, but always have a safe way to back up. Oh, I don’t actually like this, I would like this to stop right away. Then you can experience something you want to try, without guilt or pressure or anger about another persons involvement. You get to consent to everything. So, agree upon a word that you agree to use, and agree to the terms of using it. It must be a word that is not an everyday word as to avoid confusion. For us, it is a word you speak and everyone in the situation stops, steps back, and thinks about what is going on. Preferably, trying to see what you might not have already heard. Once you have a moment where you have stepped out of your initial emotion or response, you have a much clearer means of stepping back into conversation (or whatever) allowing you to approach it being who you wish to be. If there is conflict, being able to step back feel your fear or anger, understand why it is there, and then stepping back to the conversation can allow everyone to safely communicate their feelings and experiences in a way that others can hear. As a group, you get to consent to hearing the positive and negatively judged emotions that people around you are having. Our kids tested this for a long time to know it was real. Imagine a tickle fight with a 3 year old. They scream and laugh, and they say “No” or “Stop” and you stop, and they are like, why did you stop? The words “No” and “Stop” are part of the game for them. But if they say “lamppost”, “lunchbox”, or “tofu” (whatever your safe word is), everything stops. We would be in the middle of a WWF style all-out-tickle-battle-royale and they use the safe word. Everyone freezes. Then they say go, and after 2 seconds, they say it again, and everyone freezes. Basically, we had a lot of tickle fights that were like someone hitting pause and then play again 15 million times because they needed to know that it would work all the time.
9. Care/Be Authentic. It seems like it doesn’t need to be stated, but it does. If you do not really care, you cannot do any of the above from a place of authenticity. Being authentically you allows you to show your consistent self, and let them decide if they feel safe with who you are. To do this, you must care enough for them, to be honest with them… And even more difficult, you must care enough about YOU, to be honest with yourself.
10. Because this list is crying out to be rounded up to 10: Act everyday so your partner chooses you again tomorrow. Remember, even if you are married, you are not required to stay together. Your partner could leave. My partner could choose to leave. And as I do not wish that to happen, I try to grow every day. I try to be the partner they need every day. And I do it all with the hope that they will choose me again. If I can do this, and she chooses another way tomorrow, I will be sad, but I also know that the authentic person that I am, is not what they need right now.

And this brings me to the point that no relationship fails. It continues or it doesn’t, and you learn from it.

While this is not a clear list that is directly applicable to your first date that you coordinated from the Internet, I think that reading it through can help you to see what you really want from this date. Assuming you are interested in this dating becoming something more than a 1-night situation, I feel as if this list can help you understand who you are hoping to meet, where growth is possible, and if this is a person you want to spend time with. While laying the ground work for sharing with them who you are, and letting them understand that you have hopes and boundaries.

This list is the clearest words currently know to help a relationship last long term. Wishing you all the best.

** Foot note, I asked a friend of mine some details on poly relationships. While he might have feared I was fishing for potential partners, I really simply wanted to understand. I have a full life, full time job, several hobbies, a partner, 2 kids ~ I do not have enough time to spend with the single partner I have. So I wanted to understand how one can offer the dedication and connection to multiple partners, when I cannot even figure out how to do that well enough with my 1 partner. His answer was so incredible. It came down to communication about boundaries, being clear about what you are hoping for from each partner, and above all else, desiring nothing more than for your partner(s) to be happy. Enjoying the process of them being happy. Them being happy as a high priority for you and a fulfilling part of your connection. I was simply blown away. Basically, he described a perfect relationship. Boundaries, and offering joy without the complexity of your own ego obstructing the way.