And then I met God, again, Shadows

Safety

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I never really thought that I would see Safety as a complicated topic. I was raised AMAB in a not-so-small-anymore Northern Michigan city and I know I am a product of all of the toxic stuff that came come from that. While I had a lot of privilege in my situation, being hispanic made some things a bit more difficult. As an AMAB person, I was supposed to put forward strength at all angles. With those goggles “Safety” can actually correlate with weak. If you are acting to show emotional safety, you are not showing your strength.

The way that I was affected by being hispanic with regards to safety is that I chose to make myself less intimidating. The way I carry myself, the way I speak, the words I use. I worked very hard for a long time so that when I interacted with people, they didn’t see a threat. While this is a tool I created for myself that no longer serves me, this truly benefited my life at this time. While it didn’t stop people from following me in most stores I went to, it limited the times people asked security to be on guard, and it limited the times I was asked to leave businesses. I found a way to change that allowed me to find a bit more safety in my every day. As a side effect, that does serve me now, I learned the value of and how to start offering up: Safety.

On my Services page, the first service I offer is: “Confidential Communication (It is amazing how healing it can be to just be heard)”. And do you know why it is SO important for people to be heard? When a person is heard, they feel safer.

The human psyche is an incredibly powerful thing. When you are in the midst of a fight, you cannot spare the resources to heal. And with so much of our community being aggressive as forms of sharing their opinions and beliefs, the everyday world has become a place of fear and anxiety. Which doesn’t allow much time for healing. We rarely feel safe enough to allow ourselves to heal. For some of us, even in our own homes, we do not have space to feel safe. And when we finally find it, our psyche allows us to open up and start the healing process.

Imagine being the reason that someone else can feel safe… How good would that feel? I do not correlate safety with weak. I find that any means you can show vulnerability actually shows an incredible amount of strength. And with that strength, you can create a safe place for people, you can build connections with people, and you can become a little more whole. With all of that said, what beauty can come from you finding a way to create a safe space for people? When you can make people feel safe, and you continue to be the person you are trying to be, people will feel better in your presence. People will feel the safety you offer, and they will be open to connection. And connection is one of the most important things for me to gain. I want people to feel safe, I want to be a person that allows people to feel safe, and find connections.

What is one thing you can do in your everyday to offer even a single person Safety?

And then I met God, again, Empowering Self, Pride

How is being an Ally spiritual?

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It is Pride Month. The world is being flooded with marketing about how hip and cool the rainbow is. Be bold, show your “Pride”, wear a rainbow. And I find it to be blessing and curse as we walk forward because putting forward support for a marginalized group of people is always important, turning everything into a means of making money through marketing, is going to always end up being toxic for the people it affects.

First of all, to be clear: I am a Hispanic Straight Cisgender Male (HSCM). I have been working towards being an Ally since I learned I had friends that were part of the LGBTQIA+ community, and I started to see the privilege I had as an SCM. And how did I become a better Ally?

I actually remember a conversation with an acquaintance of mine and he asked me (rather aggressively) “What would you do if your child was gay?” I responded to him, “I would hope that they felt safe telling me.” … When my child came out to me, I realized that I needed to be BOLD in my Ally-ship. In order to combat my-own fears of them being confronted by the worst of society, I ordered myself a bunch of t-shirts, and flags. I hung our flags in the front of our house, I started frequently wearing different shirts making sure that everyone I saw knew I was safe for anyone in the community. And most importantly, I tried to make my actions evidence of the ally-ship that my shirts promised. From there, it is pretty easy. I remain open to learning, I remain open to being wrong, and being able to hear that I can be wrong. I listened to hear. I listened to grow.

And if you need to hear it:

If you have a friend/family member/coworker come out to you, make sure they know that you care. Whoever/Whatever they tell you they are, be clear that you still feel the same way about them. I think one of the largest fears is that them being who they are will break any relationships they have. (This is from what I have gathered, I don’t mean to speak for anyone in the LGBTQIA+ community.) But I also want you to know that being an ally does not mean that you can’t make mistakes. I still make a TON of mistakes. And when you do, acknowledge it, apologize, and see how you can grow. Then do the work to actually grow from it.

One of the ways that I would say that being an Ally is spiritual is because it requires you to find integrity in yourself, and hold the constant ability that there is something bigger out there that you can choose to be part of. In order to be an Ally, I cannot turn it off when I take off my rainbows. I need to be bold and visible in being an Ally in December, just like I am in June.

Being aware that we all wear masks when we are around different groups of people has the full weight of making sure that the pieces of yourself that are truly in integrity with yourself are the ones that are true no matter which masks you wear. It requires a strength and forcefulness that most people hesitate around. I am actually pretty good with conflict, but I hate it. I know that standing up is scary, AND I know that staying seated perpetuates oppression.

Another way being an Ally is spiritual is that it requires you to learn and grow all of the time. You cannot start with a belief you cling to. You must accept the awareness you currently have, and be open to it changing when new information becomes available. (It is actually the same as Science. X is truth, until we find Y, which is proven by better science.)

One more item that I feel the need to state clearly, being an Ally is spiritual because as I learn more about spirit and people, I see that we are all the same. We are all individual lives that want to be seen, heard, loved, and have some basic rights. I often say that my religion is Relationships. This is because Relationships are one thing in this world that is worth constantly growing and learning to improve. There is so much to be gained to everyone involved when we are all working towards that sacred reciprocity that comes from sharing caring-gestures with another person. To me, this says that taking of my blinders, and acknowledging that I have it easier than other people, and willing to do what I can to help people without expectation of return ~ is literally my religion. So in a way, being an Ally is part of my faith, and happens to come with epically beautiful t-shirts.

Reader Questions

Reader Question #6: What do you mean when you say, “The Work”?

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This post refers frequently to Shadow, Read the post to learn what that means.

This is another question that I get frequently. Considering I use the phrase “the work” semi frequently and I really shouldn’t assume that people have any idea what that means. It is a phrase that is both very specific while being incredibly vague. I say this because when I am speaking about it, I am often referring to something that takes real effort, and is incredibly challenging, but I cannot or will not specify the specific task.

“The work” is the work a person does when they realize a contradiction in their own behavior, a place where their identity has pushed them away from the truth of who they are, a shadow, or even when they realized that they act in a way that they do not approve of because it is a default they were taught. Once you have recognized any of these potential contradictions, and gotten past any cognitive dissonance that may come up, deciding to make the changes to self to get past or find integrity in regards to the contradiction they found.

In the post about shadows, I used an example about my cruelty. My “work” around this was to recognize that there is a gap between a trait in myself, and the way I want to be portrayed. I had to find a way to embrace my cruelty. I needed to recognize that cruelty is actually a label I apply to a trait that I judged poorly. I needed to untangle that my ability to read people was used immaturely and it became cruelty. This is actually the same trait I now use to help people find truths that they might not want to hear, or help them feel safe in their own spaces. This work was mental gymnastics with a ton of guilt, shame, and many other complex emotions before I found a balance between my cruelty and my desire to help people.

In an attempt to be concise, The work is/are the challenge(s) you must overcome to balance out something that is true about you, that you judge cannot be part of who you present to the world around you.

Reader Questions, Shadows

Reader Question #5: What do you mean when you say, “Shadow”?

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I often refer to the term Shadow when describing my work. And I have recently had several people ask me to describe what I mean. And shortly after those asks for clarification, I heard that another spiritualist I know uses the term, and uses it very differently. So I thought it was worth bringing this question forward and clarifying.

Every individual person is a combination of every experience they have ever had. When you walk down the street, you see many people walking around, interacting, and living their lives. And unless we know a person, or have clear reason to remember, they all fall into the backdrop of our day. But every one of them is a lifetime of experiences that presents as the person in front of you.

Now imagine how you would look at yourself under that light. How could you quantify the hopes, dreams, fear, anger, pride, and many decisions you wish you could undo? The downfall of being something built of so many different pieces, is that we have contradictions…

The example I use in myself is that I have a skill/trait/ability to read a person and find the one thing I could say to really hurt someone. I label this as my cruelty. While I know this is something about me, I also know that it doesn’t feel ethical to hurt people. And my taught desire to not hurt people causes me to carry my cruelty with shame. I want to hide it. When something comes up like a cruel comment, I want to hide it away so I don’t tarnish the mask I wear that identifies me as “Kind”.

As I am writing this, I think I might be able to offer a more concise definition of Shadow by saying: an aspect of yourself that you want to hide because of direct contradiction with a learned beliefs.

We all can have many Shadows, and each one further shapes who we are, and challenges who we think we should be.

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Life before Death*

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The question of “What does this mean?” is a question that continues coming up and is re-evaluated. I feel like this is a question that talks to the heart of magic to me.

We are often taught to think about “I would die for…” as a way of identifying how valuable it is for you, and what a sacrifice you would be willing to make it happen. And with that, I am reminded of another quote. “Dying is easy[,] living is harder.”**

If it means so much for us to be willing to die for something, what does it mean if you are willing to live for something? And what does that entail?

Now, I cannot tell you what living life should be. I, in fact, despise the word “should”. But I can remind you that Nothing is Epic. Magic starts by creating tiny changes, persisting them forward, and continuing to add small changes over time. In the Peruvian linage of Paq’os teaches that we need to take care of our Grandchildren’s Grandchildren. So, for us to succeed in living, it would be to create a world where our distant ancestry could succeed. So, my advice might be how to achieve that.

First of all, I want all of you to know that you are INCREDIBLY powerful. I am sure it doesn’t feel like it. I am sure it feels like you are perpetually failing at everything you try. This is often where my mind lands too. But even taking on the hard task of looking at what is heavy for you right now, being able to think about and be honest about the situation you are in can be enough to get you started.***

  1. The biggest thing we could do is to introspect on our own behavior. What are we doing that we would NOT want our kids to repeat? What values do we have that we want to model for our kids, and how do we tweak behaviors to match those values.
  2. Think ahead. While I am don’t want to get on my soap box about how MBA’s can ruin the world, I feel like the negative side of business is really shaping us in ways that are harmful in he long term. “How do I maximize profits for this quarter?” has a way of borrowing from the future. And those of us with debts know how dangerous that can be.
    • Look at your long term goal(s)
    • Look at and be honest about the place from which you are starting.
    • Consider what is one thing you can do today that works you towards your goal(s).
    • Consider what you can do this week that work you towards your goal(s).
    • … all the way up through you get to your goal(s).
    • For me, this process really looks like, how can I use what I have today to build towards that goal, without completely sacrificing today? We need balance.
    • Check back on your goal(s) and plan often.
    • Communicate with your friends and family what your goals are and what you are doing towards achieving them.
  3. Remember the golden rule? I guarantee that you do not wish to be ostracized for something that you have no control over. I guarantee that you wish to be neither boldly nor subtly pushed aside due to who you are. If you find that you have a gut level response to a group of people, please take the time to think about why. Seeing deep evidence that a group of people are trying to hurt others, it is great to stand against that. If you find that your evidence mostly involves other people agreeing with you or someone you are around, this is NOT how you would like your treatment to be decided. Please take time to consider, and own your responses to other people, no matter who or what they are. If you decide that you are right to dislike them, own it and be clear. But I invite you to consider that most people in groups want the same as you. To be treated with a base level of respect, to do good work in the world, and to see their children succeed.

These 3 rules are actually a HUGE ask of you. I invite you to really think about it. What does living mean to you? Even with how hard it is, can you do the work to live every day?

* I would like to give credit for this quote the book series “The Storm Light Archives” by Brandon Sanderson
** This quote comes from the musical Hamilton by Lin Manual Miranda.
*** Everyone’s situations are different, you might be in a situation that is immediately dangerous. This is NOT a space to start slowly introspecting your actions. There is a BIG difference between taking responsibility for your actions, and taking on the wait of abuse as your own challenge. Please NEVER let yourself think that you are responsible for the way someone abuses you.

Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Ancestry Alters

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One of the most beautiful things about the path of a Paq’o is the philosophy of: “Whatever works.” This means that the people who learned this path were aware that there are things that function that may not be perfectly described in history or lore. This allows for a beautiful open-mindedness when it comes to change and growth. When the Spanish took over the Inca’s, they were taught about Jesus and Christianity. And some of the Paq’os tried to leverage that. We have to pray to Jesus to stay safe, I wonder if my ceremonies will work if I invoke Jesus…? And some found that for them, it really did.

When my mentor taught us about this path, he introduced us to Ancestry Alters very early on, and was clear that this is not a traditional Q’ero process or belief. He had learned it from a Voodoo Practitioner and it had served him well in his shamanic path. After my time practicing, I too teach this to all of my students. It is invaluable as both a relationship building tool, as all as a support in the times that are the most difficult for you on this path.

Why? When I was thrown into this path, I was having incredibly vivid dreams. So real as to be surreal. And when I would wake up, I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I was extremely tired, I couldn’t protect myself spiritually, and honestly, it really amplified my feelings of going crazy… When I connected with the fact that this could have to do with my spirituality, I reached out to my mentor to ask for help. And he informed me that I needed to set up an ancestry alter. It is a space I create for my ancestor to be present in this world. And by leaving offerings to them, you start building relationships with the spirits there, and you create a place for exchange. When I say that, please don’t hear anything about a transactional relationship. It is NOT transactional. There is a term that is very important to me called, Sacred Reciprocity. This term talks to the idea of a Gift Economy. I will do this work for you. It is a gift, and I have no expectation of return. And at times, those who receive that gift feel the overwhelming need to “balance the scales”. This can come forward as a gift in kind, or offering what they can to you or someone else in need. It is about offering what you can offer, for the fact that you can, and seeing how the energy can grow from there.

He instructed me that in creating my ancestor alter, I was connecting with a group of people (that have passed on) that have a clear interest in the success in my life. By having an ancestry alter, it is a means of connecting and creating relationships with people that are vested in your success, and are likely to offer you help once they know you can accept it. These do not need to be blood relatives, these do not need to be specifically people you ever knew. But people that you can have faith would have your back. On my alter, I have family members from both sides of my blood family. I have people that are close family of good friends who took me in. I also have spirits and deities that have informed me that they would like to be present (and I agreed).

How? I think the “how” here is a bit too obscure to really go into. How do you describe a relationship or reciprocity with any form of depth that people can really understand…? I don’t know if I can really describe to you the depths of how it works. What I can say is this. I can tell you how to create yours. I can help you learn to grow your alter, but I cannot tell you how to be the best build of those relationships, nor how to understand the gifts you have received.

To build your (most-minimal-starter) Ancestor Alter, you need a few things.

  1. At least 1 photo of an ancestor you would like present. (I recommend during this learning phase, select an ancestor you met if possible)
  2. You need 4 stones to anchor it. (There are no limitations or requirements on these stones. If you have the funds and enjoy shine crystals: Buy some. If you like walking on the beach, find four stones along the water that seem to call to you. They can be pieces of gravel that people think look funny, or they can be giant shaped amethyst crystals.)
  3. You need a piece of cloth maybe 20″x20″
  4. You need some sort of chalice. (yes, I mean drinking glass, but chalice is so much more fun to say.)
  5. You need a candle.

This will help you set up your start alter. Put the stones in the 4 corners of the cloth. Put your photo up, add water to your chalice, and light your candle. That is it.

I personally feel like there is a piece that was helpful for me to be at this alter, think of my ancestor(s) and offer time to hear/listen. Even if you never hear anything, the time is valued. For me, relationships are about reciprocity. I offer my time, presence, light, and water, and accept whatever they offer. From my experience, this exchange is SO much more powerful that seems possible.

And from here, I would say that you can do no wrong. If you feel like all four of your stones need to be in the center, or your photo(s) need to hang above the alter, or you need 2 chalices because your ancestors liked orange juice as well… change it up and see how it feels. If you have some abilities to sense or hear them, they might tell you clearly what you need to change… Also, a caveat I would add is to be cautious about what you put on there and offer. For instance, if you love bacon, but your entire like are vegans, that might not be the best relationship-builder. If most of your lineage is European-Caucasian, and you have Native Americans on your alter, Alcohol might insight some negative feelings.

I welcome you questions and insights from your work below.

Empowering Self, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

Thanksgiving

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As with many people in the United States, I was taught about Thanksgiving be a time to give thanks. A time where we came together and talk about Joy and Sharing. A tradition started by our ancestors when the pilgrims shared a meal side-by-side with the Native Americans…

We are finally starting to see the lies we were taught. We are finally starting to appreciate how even teaching this inaccuracy is part of the problem of perpetuating the repression of the true owners of this land. And we are starting to see the complexity of our position in this space.

While we are not directly responsible, we are living on land that was stolen. While we have invested all of our lives to build our lives here., How can we process that with integrity?

Many people tell me what the only way is to outright refuse to participate in this travesty of a holiday. This to me, however; felt like the way vegans yell at me about milk or honey. Or the way atheists talk about Christians. It is almost like, I don’t like it, so I will go full-force with the opposite. It felt wrong.

I reached out to a friend of mine, who is a native, to ask her take. In the tradition I study, this is a time to share with the ancestors. A time to celebrate, and I couldn’t see refusing to celebrate my learned traditions and my ancestors to be a way to recompense the natives who have been displaced. (Please note that this is intentionally made very mild compared to the truth.)

My friend told me that her family and nation do celebrate this time of year. And if I wanted to be in integrity with our native friends and family, we would still celebrate, we could make a plate for our ancestors, we would make a prayer and a wish for forward growth. If I wanted to do something beyond that, there are organizations that we could connect with by reaching out to your local reservation to offer to purchase meals for natives on the reservation that are still suffering the affects of our repression.

Each native tribe may have very different views on what is appropriate for how integrity can be reached. The point is that we ask, not assume. When we ask, allow ourselves to listen, allow ourselves to be humble, and allow ourselves to come forward with our best abilities to the request given.

I wanted to state this, do what you feel is right. But no matter which approach you take, remember that it is a time of caring, it is a time of celebration. If you wish to “repent”, please do so in a way that is helpful to those to whom you repent, and not simply something that eases your mind.

Wearing a safety pin on your lapel is only helpful if you can back it up with action when someone reaches out to you for help…

Empowering Self, Shadows, Sometimes, one thing, is everything

In Defense of Christians

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So many challenges lay before us. 2020 has been a year of chaos, pandemic, horrible leadership, reiterations of segregation and hate. I would jest with something like: “what’s next, locusts?” but then I realized that we have already encountered that problem.

Our world is in need, and we are all feeling the pain. Here is my recommendation: Be the change you want to see in the world. This is what all of us need. This is also what you might call, “The golden rule.” Treat others as you wish to be treated.

I know this is not easy, but we must look past ourselves to see that most people really do have good intentions in them.

Why am I posting about defending Christians? After 9/11, I was very vocal defending Muslims, and folks from the Middle East. And the reason was, there were actions of a few causing horrible consequences for the many.

Today, when I think Christians, my mind instantly goes to the figure heads, and politicians, and preachers with 12 million dollar homes. I see people who are standing up and utilizing the Christian label to get what they want, but not living with any of the faith. Right now, I find that the term Christianity is a term about finding more precise ways of delivering hate. And when I realized this was my outlook, I saw that I am part of the problem. We need unity. We need togetherness and team work. And we need to see eye-to-eye.

Almost no one in history has been willing to “come to the table” after you were just throwing stones at them. So what do we do? What do I do? I realize that these people who are turning Christianity into a rallying point for hate, are not actually following the faith of Christ. There are so many amazing and wonderful people in our communities that proudly wear the mantel of Christianity, and they do so by offering kindness and trying to see beyond themselves. These are the unspoken folks that Christ was actually much more in line with. Instead of taking the time to reiterate that the current far-right parties are aligning themselves as the only Christian party, or the only party of the church, we need to remember that we are deeply connected with so many actual Christians, who do not believe the hate, and won’t participate in it.

We must offer some grace. We must look past the anger and hate that these figure heads bring up in ourselves, as meeting hate with hate creates a battle. And with all battles, it rarely matters who is right or wrong, many people on both sides are hurt.

I invite you to look past your anger. I invite you to look past your hate. Find the folks in your neighborhood that allow you to take back the idea of love that this faith has to offer.

We, too, can choose not to hate. We must be better.

Empowering Self, Reader Questions

Role Model – How to

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I have to admit, writing that title it feels totally cocky. But hear me out.  This is not how to be ideal.  Even if I could figure that out, I think a novel series would be the correct format for it. This is about tiny bits of growth here or there.  Small changes matter. (See my previous post called “This simplest magics can be the most complicated”)

When I talk about being a role model, I am talking about not worrying about what others think and define the truth of what you believe (Beliefs can change, and that is ok). Once you have defined it, think about what that means, and how you can move closer to it.

Let’s say you decided that you think a good Role Model would be generous.  Well, to be generous, you must have stuff (time, energy, things, money).  If you already have stuff that people need, Great.  Who needs the things you have, and how do you offer it up? If you don’t have the stuff people need, how do you get it?

Time – What can you let go of, so you can pick up this work without damaging your life?  Do you have a hobby you can let go of? Do you have a second job you don’t need? Heck, do you have a partner that shares your vision enough so that you can quit all of your jobs to dive in?

Energy – Are you eating well enough? Is your body in a healthy enough place that you can exert your energy to help others?  What (and sometimes who) can you let go of, so that you can take up this calling?

You get the point.  To be generous, you have to be able to give.  To maintain generosity for any length of time, you have to find balance in your life so you don’t end up bleeding yourself dry.

The point here is that, you need to figure out what it is you value, if you are willing, and then how to pursue that goal. The journey might not look anything like you would imagine to get to your end goal.

An example in my life: I wanted to be a good father. What did that mean for me? It meant that I would be Present (note that the Capital there is important).  For me, being Present was much more about my ability to stare into my children’s eyes, give them high fives with their achievements, revel in our joint wins against the big boss in our game together, to play games and sports with them.  For them to be able to look back, and know that I was Present, even when I couldn’t be with them in person. 

I feel like right now (almost 13 years in) I am a very good parent.  But it was very rocky. My wife and my kids can attest to that.

I carry anger, and fear, and a victim mentality, and depression… the list could go on. I have made mistakes.  And even if my wife or children don’t remember them, I feel them. And while that weighs on me, it is the memory I need to remember my goal, every day.

Every day, I try to take the time to be present for my kids in one thing they enjoy.  When they come to me with something to share, I try to take a break from what I am doing so I can truly hear them. I try to let go of my judgements about me, and not apply those judgements to my kids. I try to be honest and verbal about my feelings, good or bad.  And I trust them.

I noted above that I feel like a very good parent.  Do you know what tipped that judgement in myself?

When my oldest felt safe enough to tell me that I hurt his feelings.
When my youngest felt safe enough to tell me that they didn’t feel like a girl.
When my wife looks at me and says, “You’re a good father.”

And most importantly, when I see a mistake I have made, and I sit down to share with my children that I have made a mistake, and that I apologize to them for it. I feel like I have grown, and I am continuing to build trust.  That is how I know, that I am working towards being a good Role Model.

What did I let go of to make time, to have the energy, things, and money for this?  I was willing to give up anything for my goal. And while it would have been relatively easy to give away my money and my things, giving my time and energy, forced me to learn who I am and how to grow into whom I wanted to be. I had to be willing to admit my fears, and my mistakes. I had to be willing to re-imagine the world behind me, so I could build the world in front of me.

How do you become a good Role Model? Decide to, and put your energy into it.